My Quiet Girl
by Shaddow55
Summary: Adam, his wife, and their two girls are living the perfect life. But when tragedy strikes they will have to rely on each other and close family to get them through. I do not own Bonanza, the original characters, or the songs in this story.
1. An almost perfect life

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bonanza, the characters or the songs in this story.

_What a perfect day for a picnic with the family, _Adam Cartwright thought as he gently tugged at the reins to slow the horses. He brought the wagon to a stop in front of a lush, green pasture sprinkled with little clusters of purple flowers. The open space surrounded by forests and a small trickling creek off to one side, was a common place for deer to rest in the sun. It was more than peaceful, it made life seem perfect.

"Daddy, Look!" The squeal came from his five year old daughter in the back of the wagon, who was now leaning over the edge of the wagon and pointing at a deer and her fawn. The deers head had shot up and now it was cautiously making its way into the woods, the fawn followed its mother to the safety of the trees.

"Katie, be careful." Sarah called back, Katie stepped back but continued to look, hoping to get another glimpse. Emily had grown bored and walked over to Adam, who was still sitting in the front, enjoying their reaction. When she had gotten to him, Adam reached over and put his arm around her waist, pulling her closer, he kissed her forehead.

"Daddy, why did the one have spots and the other didn't?" Katie questioned as she joined her family.

"Because baby deer are born with white spots, that fade as they get older." Adam answered as he climbed out of the wagon. He reached his hand up to his wife, helping her down, then lifted both of his girls out, keeping a wriggling Katie on his hip. "Don't go wandering off, I want you to stay where you can see us."

"Yes, Daddy. Can I go now, Pleeeaaasse?" She pleaded. He just smiled at her and set her down, as soon as her little feet touched the ground, she took off to explore. Adam chuckled, and walked to the back of the wagon. He pulled out the blue and white checkered quilt with yellow flowers on it and handed it to Sarah, he then took the picnic basket and they headed towards a flat spot on the ground. As they worked, Adam thought back to the first day he had met Sarah. Standing with her parents, wearing a blue dress that complemented her clear, sky blue eyes. Her auburn hair, with a tint of red when the sun hit it, gently fell around her shoulders. Her heart-shaped face and cute, rounded nose just added to her beauty, and her large smile could light up the room. Adam was not like his youngest brother, whose head was turned by any pretty girl, but something about that woman had stolen his heart, and he never got it back. After setting out the blanket, Sarah had started to prepare their lunch when two little hands covered her eyes.

"Guess who?" Emily giggled. Sarah knew her daughter's voice but was confused by the fact that one hand felt smaller than the other.

"Emily."

"Nope." Emily said, accompanied with more giggles, Adam was even chuckling now at the confused look on Sarah's face.

"Katie?" She questioned.

"Nope."

"Who? It has to be..." She pulled the hands off her eyes, to see Katie and Emily standing there.

"It was both of us, Mama." Katie smiled, happy they had tricked their mother. Sarah laughed, and pulled the girls into an embrace.

After lunch the girls had played until Katie was tuckered out, and had fallen asleep with her head on her mother's lap. Sarah gently brushed Katie's dark brown curls away from her face, and looked at Adam.

"I think it's about time to head home." She motioned towards the sleeping girl in her lap. Adam just nodded but was distracted by their eight year old daughter, who had picked up a purple flower, examined it and then headed their way.

"Daddy, What kind of flower is this?" Emily questioned as she sat on his lap.

"It's a Bergamot."

"That's a funny name. Why do they only grow here?" She gestured to the pasture.

"They don't, they grow all over Nevada, but they do best in pastures like this close to water, that is why we don't see them very often." He tried to explain, Emily was his curious one. She questioned everything, when she was five they had made a rule that she was only allowed one "Why?" question a day, so that she would not overwhelm her parents. Adam loved her curiosity, her questions sometimes even stumped him.

"They are my favorite flower," Sarah added, "they were the first flowers that your father ever gave me."

"Really?"

"He gave them to me at our first dance, that's when I fell in love with him." She smiled at him, remembering that night.

"You fell in love with him because he gave you flowers?" She questioned scrunching her nose, "Tommy gave me a flower once, but I don't love him, you sure had it easy." The last statement was directed at Adam. They both laughed at the child's confusion.

"I didn't love him because he brought me flowers, you see, they were my favorite flowers and I had never told him that, he cared enough to ask one of my friends. I fell in love with him because of his thoughtfulness." Sarah explained.

"Definitely not because he was funny." Emily laughed and quickly jumped out of her father's lap as he tried to tickle her. Emily and her uncle Joe loved to tease Adam about being too serious. Adam had gotten to his feet and pulled Emily into his arms tickling her. Sarah smiled, she loved the way Adam played with the girls, they were the only ones that could get him to "let his hair down", otherwise he really was very serious, but responsible and loving.

"Stop it, Daddy, your gonna crush my flower!" She said while fighting for freedom. Adam let her go and she quickly retreated to her mother's side. Sarah took the flower from her and tucked it behind her ear, her auburn hair that hung a little above her shoulders, had a hint of red in the sun, just as her own hair did. Actually the older Emily got the more she looked like her mother. She had her mother's soft features with a rounded nose, and large, round eyes. Her cheeks lightly freckled, small lips, and her mother's smile. She had her father's brown eyes along with his stubborn nature, she could be serious at times but was also somewhat carefree like Sarah.

"We better head back, come on pal, help me with this blanket." Adam said to Emily and they began to clean up, Sarah gently moved Katie off her lap and helped them clean up. The four of them were soon on their way, Katie lay in the back of the wagon on their blanket, while Sarah sat next to Adam who was helping Emily drive the wagon. By the time they pulled up to the their house, which looked like a smaller version of his father's house, Emily had fallen asleep as well. They both carried the girls up to their rooms, changed them into their nightgowns and laid them in bed. Sarah kissed her girls, took the flower out of Emily's hair and placed it in the middle of her favorite book, Rapunzel, for her to find later.

* * *

The next morning Adam sat in his armchair enjoying a cup of coffee and the peace and quiet of his home before the girls were up.

"I'm going upstairs to get the girls ready." Sarah said as she walked over to him, "Can you keep an eye on the bacon?"

"Just give them a few more minutes." Adam pulled his wife onto his lap and kissed her.

"Adam, you know Katie is as slow as molasses in the morning, I don't want to be late!" She pushed herself off his lap, but leaned in for one more kiss before heading upstairs.

"Don't let the bacon burn." She called from the top of the stairs, then entered her youngest daughter's room, to start the morning ritual of waking the girls.

"Good morning, sweetheart," She shook Katie, "it's time to get up."

"Mmmmm." Katie rolled back over.

"I'm going to wake up your sister, you'd better be sitting up when I come back." With that simple warning she headed to Emily's room. She gently knocked on the door, and walked in.

"Morning, Mama." Emily smiled, "Can you tie my dress for me?"

Emily was wearing a green cotton dress, with a light ribbon around the waist, it had a little white ruffle on the hem, and on the short puffed sleeves. The dress was her favorite, but came just to the middle of her knees.

"It's about time we get you a new Sunday dress, this one is to small and well worn." Sarah remarked as she tied a bow in the back of the dress.

"No, Mama, this is my favorite." She turned around and pleaded with her big brown eyes.

"You can't wear this dress forever, sweety, but you can keep it and put it in storage if you like." She could only hope that would appease her daughter without an argument.

"If I get a new dress can it be green too, Daddy, Grandpa, Uncle Hoss, and Uncle Joe all said that I look pretty in green." She still didn't want to part with her dress, but knew there was not much she could do to change her mother's mind, the dress was too short, so it was best to give in.

"We'll see if we can find one that is green, but I'm not promising, alright?" She had to make that clear with Emily or she would never hear the end of it if they came home with another color dress.

"Alright, can we look after church today?"

"If your it's alright with your Daddy." She said as she stood up, but became very dizzy and almost lost her balance, grabbing for anything to steady herself, she caught Emily's shoulder. Her eyes went dark for a second, then her vision came back though somewhat blurred for a moment.

"Mama, are you alright?" Emily had grabbed her arm and looked at her mother worried. This wasn't the first time her mother had done this. Sarah did not know that Emily had seen her have to stop often to steady herself, but the little girl had kept a close eye on her mother and knew something was not right.

"Yes, sweety, I am fine. Just stood up to fast is all." She smiled at Emily reassuringly but the nauseousness that followed still hadn't gone away. "I have to go get your sister. I am fine." She reiterated as she left the room. Emily watched her go, a sick feeling lingering in the pit of her stomach. _God, please don't let anything be wrong with Mama, make her feel better. _Emily had started saying a short little prayer for her mother, every time she had noticed her struggling. She glanced up to the ceiling one more time, as if pleading with God to hear her, and then went about her morning chores. But the worried feeling would not leave her as easily today, even though she tried not to think about it, it was happening more and more often.

* * *

About fifteen minutes later, Adam and Emily came in from their chores in the barn and joined the others at the table for breakfast. Adam thanked God for the food, and then began dishing up their plates. Emily was much quieter than usual, which made for an almost silent breakfast. Katie was not a morning person and even after the twenty minutes it took to get her out of bed and dressed, she was still grumpy and wouldn't talk. Emily would take this chance to talk about the day, and ask more questions, though she tried to rephrase them and save her "Why" question for later in the day. The only chatter this morning was between husband and wife. The ride to church was much the same, though Katie was more awake and had started to talk about seeing Mary. Since Katie was to young for school, she only got to see her friends on Sundays and sometimes other special trips to town.

In church, the Cartwright family (including Ben, Hoss, and little Joe) found two empty benches and took a seat. Katie had immediately found her way onto her grandfather's lap, but Emily had stayed next to Sarah. She would miss sitting between her two uncles but they were sitting in front of the others and Emily wanted to keep an eye on her mother. The message held Emily's attention that day as it was on trusting God with your needs, Katie fidgeted on her grandpa's lap, until he passed her off to Adam. All he had to do was whisper in the little girl's ear and she sat still the rest of the service, that was partly due to the fact that after about five minutes she had fallen asleep.

The service ended, and all the children went outside to play. Cecily went up to Emily and asked her to play, she glanced up at Sarah and then back to her friend. She wanted to say no, but then remembered the message, she closed her eyes long enough to pray, _God I need my Mama, please take care of her, thanks. _and then headed out of the church to join her friends. Adam was talking with Ben, when Sarah came up and whispered to him. "Adam, I have a headache do you think we could go home soon?"

"Of course, excuse us Pa, I better get my family home." Adam shook his father's hand, then took Sarah's arm and headed out of the church.

"Emily, Katie, it's time to go." Adam called to the girls, who sadly left their playmates and climbed into the back of the wagon.

"Are we gonna get a new dress?" Emily asked her parents, though it didn't bother her if they didn't feel like it.

"Not today, sweety." Sarah patted her daughter's hand, knowing she wouldn't be to disappointed. The two girls chatted the whole way home about the party at their grandpa's house that they had been invited too.

"I can make something for lunch and then maybe if I lay down it will help." Sarah said as she was helped out of the wagon.

"Don't worry, I'll take care of lunch, you just get some rest."Adam took her arm and gently led her to their room to make sure she would lay down and take an afternoon nap. He pushed her down onto the bed, kissed her forehead and left. She just shook her head know better than to argue, she went to sleep.

"Is Mama alright?" Katie questioned when her father came back down, her mother always made lunch for them on Sunday.

"Yes, Kates, your Mama just has a headache and needs some rest, so why don't we all pitch in and make ourselves something to eat. What sounds good?" Adam had scooped Katie up, and touched his nose to hers.

"Ice cream and pie!" Katie clapped her hands, hopefully.

"No, Katie, that's dessert. You can't eat dessert for lunch." Emily told her little sister, whose hopes were dashed. Adam smiled at both his girls, Katie pouted in his arms, she really had the perfect puppy dog eyes. Her Big, light blue eyes stared at him from underneath full, dark eyelashes, and her bottom lip stuck out, quivering. Katie was a little actress, she could make herself cry if she thought it would get her what she wanted.

"We are having pie and ice cream at your Grandpa's house tomorrow, now how about some sandwiches?" Adam said as he set her down. Her eyes filled up with tears and just as she started throw a tantrum, Adam swatted her backside. "It's either sandwiches or you can go take a nap without lunch." She reluctantly nodded and began to wipe away her tears. "Good, you know better than to throw a fit, young lady." Adam looked her in the eye.

"Yes, Daddy." She said quietly, both girls knew very well that if he called you "young lady", you had better straighten up fast. The three headed off to the kitchen for a sandwich making contest, it was something Sarah had come up with because Emily hated making sandwiches. They would get all the ingredients out, choose the person they were making the sandwich for, and then race to see who could make the best sandwich first. If the person you chose liked the sandwich than you won, every one wanted to get Katie, because she barely liked anything on her sandwich, so that person usually won. Emily had gotten Kates and was sure she was going to win, but half way through she dropped the sandwich on the floor and had to start over. Adam saw his chance to let Katie win and had slowed down, his sandwich was messy but tasted good, so Katie won. The game ended with congratulating Katie and laughing at the mess on the floor before they cleaned it up.

Sarah stayed in bed most of the day, when she woke up it was after dinner, and the sun was going down. She sat up, her head was still pounding, she could not remember a time her headaches had lasted this long. She gave up and laid back down, just as Adam walked in the room with a glass of water and some food. "How are you feeling?" He asked sitting on the bed next to her.

"Fine, just a little headache is all." She said trying to sit up again, he put some pillows behind her and helped her lean back.

"Sarah, I can't even remember the last time you stayed in bed all day. Your not fine." His brow furrowed, he could not stand it when she tried to play it off as no big deal. He admired her for her strength, but she did not have to be strong with him, he wanted to be there for her, and take care of her. "Here drink something it will help." He handed her the cup of water.

"Thank you, but I do feel much better." She managed a smile.

"Maybe so, but I think you should just stay in bed the rest of the evening." Adam said taking the glass away from her.

"You won't get any argument from me there." she sighed and laid back down.

"If you still have this headache tomorrow, I am taking you to the doctor." He stated firmly.

"Adam, don't be ridiculous, it's just a headache." Sarah argued.

"Even so, the doctor can give you something that will help, now get some rest." He kissed her and then took his leave.


	2. Party's over

The next afternoon, they all headed out for the ten minute walk to Ben's house. Adam had a protective arm around his wife, she had told him that she felt fine, but he did not completely believe it. Katie had her mother's hand and was happily skipping along, chatting to anyone who would listen about her Grandpa's new pony. Emily, who usually would have been just as excited about the pony as her sister, hung back from the others, still upset from this morning. Adam noticed, and whispered to Sarah to take Katie and go on ahead. Then turned back, took Emily's hand and led her over to a log at the side of the path. He sat down standing her in front of him. "Do you want to tell me why your sulking?" He asked but she just shook her head. "Emmy, look at me," He lifted her chin, so she could see his face. "are you still upset about this morning?" She nodded, that morning Emily had dressed in her red checkered shirt and trousers, what she usually wore to her Grandpa's, but Sarah told her to change because it wasn't party attire. "Your mother wants you to look like a young lady, your allowed to wear trousers at your Grandpa's house because of the activities we do when we are there and there is no one else around. Since this is a party, you have to dress like your going to a party, do you understand?"

"But Daddy, Uncle Hoss promised I could ride the new pony, I can't ride it in this." She pulled at the sides of her fancy blue dress. "I would get it dirty and then Mama would be mad."

"Emmy, Hoss can take you on that pony anytime, not just today. But if you want to, then just be careful, I'll talk to your Ma if you get it dirty. How about it, pal." Adam gave her one of his playful smiles.

"Alright, it still won't be as easy as my trousers though, Daddy, can we come back tomorrow and really ride?" She begged.

"You mean in your pants?" Adam asked, to which she nodded, "We'll see, come on we don't want to be late."

They made it to the house just as Hoss brought out the pony, it was a pretty little dark brown horse with white on its head, and it didn't look much like a pony anymore. "She is a real beauty, Hoss, you sure she won't spook around all these people?" Adam asked cautiously, wondering if Emily should ride the horse.

"She is young, but real gentle, Adam, she'll be just fine. Hey, Emily, what do you say I make good on my promise and take you out for a ride."

"Can I go now, Daddy?"

"Of course, but be careful, and mind your uncle." He called after her.

"Don't worry about us, Adam, our little Emily is one of the best amateur riders around." Adam just smiled as he walked towards the house, it was true, his Emmy loved horses and could ride like she had been born in the saddle.

Later that afternoon, while everyone was enjoying their pie and ice cream, Sarah headed outside for some fresh air. It was a hot spring day, and she had started to feel nauseous in the packed house. Emily had come around the corner to get herself some dessert, when she saw her mother leaning against the house, her hand over her eyes. After a second, Sarah took a deep breath and casually walked back inside, Emily on the other hand ran for the barn.

"Hey Ann," Joe had called her by her middle name since she was a baby. "what are you doing in here, you know Pa and Adam don't want you in here by yourself." Joe had been looking for his niece to see if she was up for a game of checkers.

"I'm sorry, Uncle Joe, please don't tell Daddy, he'll spank me." She pleaded more tears running down her already tear streaked cheeks.

"Hey, don't cry, I'm not gonna tell on you," He said as moved to sit next to her on the bale of hay. "you wanna tell me what's bothering you?"

"Uncle Joe, how old were you when your mama died?" She asked drying her tears.

"Pretty young, why? What is this all about?" He asked knowing she was leading up to something.

"Can you keep a secret?"

"You know I can, go ahead." He pushed.

"I think Mama is sick, she gets really bad headaches, and gets dizzy when she stands up, a lot." She emphasized her last point. Joe tried not to chuckle at the girls fears, but he couldn't stop the smile that came to his lips. She looked away upset that he thought she was silly.

"Hey," He turned her back to face him,"listen sometimes people get headaches, Hoss gets headaches every once in a while but they aren't dangerous, they just go away with rest. As for getting dizzy, a lot of people will get dizzy when they stand up because they stood up to fast, it's nothing to worry about, Ann, really."He explained.

"Are you sure?" She didn't think that she believed him, he hadn't seen her mama.

"Of course." He chuckled now and pulled her into a hug.

"Do you promise nothings wrong with her?" She needed to be sure that he was telling her the truth.

"I can't promise something like that, you know that." Joe said nervously, he wanted to calm her fears but knew he shouldn't promise her.

"If you can't promise than your not sure." She pushed away from him.

"Alright, I promise your mama is fine, now stop your worrying and how about I beat you at a game of checkers." He stood and put his hand out to her.

"Not if I get Uncle Hoss to help me." She giggled and took his hand, and they headed towards the house.

They opened the door to the house, just as Hoss ran out and into the barn. They walked in to find everyone gathered in the living room around the couch, there was a ton of commotion, and little Joe couldn't really make out what anyone was saying. Emily pulled out of his grip, and ran towards the group, but just as she tried to push her way through, her Grandpa caught her by her waist and pulled her back. Little Joe made it over to them as Emily asked the question on both of their minds.

"Grandpa, what happened?" She tried to pull back but Ben would not let her go.

"Your Daddy is going to take your Mama to the doctor, she isn't feeling well." Ben held his granddaughter tighter as she tried to get away from him.

"Let me go, I need Mama, I need her, let me go." She cried and than shot an angry look at Joe.

"You lied!" She yelled and kicked him in the shin before her grandpa could stop her. Joe looked down at the ground, _why did I promise that, I knew it was stupid._

"Emily, stop. If you calm down, I'll let you see your mother, but only for a second so your Daddy can take her to town. Alright?" Ben asked.

"Mmhhhmm." She nodded and then followed him through the crowd. Sarah was laying on the couch, she looked pail and exhausted. Adam was sitting by her, waiting for the horse to be hitched, so they could leave. Emily ran to her mother's side, and Adam put his arm around her. Mrs. Thompson was holding Katie, who wasn't sure what was going on. "Mama, I love you." Emily whispered her voice cracked, and she tried hard not to cry.

"Adam, the wagon is ready." Hoss called from the door.

"Emmy, stay here with Grandpa, I'm gonna take care of your Mama, alright. Don't worry." He pulled her into a big hug, and then lifted Sarah off the couch and carried her out the door. After they had left, the other guests began to leave, Ben waved to the last wagon pulling out and the headed inside to see to his family.

"What happened, Pa?" Joe asked before he walked in the door.

"She had a seizure." He said and walked past him, but Joe grabbed his arm to stop him.

"Will she be alright?"

"Son, seizures are rarely fatal in themselves, but they usually mean something else is wrong. She'll be fine for now, but we'll have to see what the doctor says." He looked back at the little girl sitting on the couch next to her Uncle Hoss, who had Katie sitting on his lap, and then back to Joe. "Why was she angry with you earlier." He questioned.

Joe sighed. "I made a mistake, Pa. She told me something about Sarah in the barn, I told her that there was nothing to worry about and that she would be fine." He hung his head and said quietly. "I promised her that she would be fine." Ben just nodded.

"You had no way of knowing, but you shouldn't have promised something that you have no control over. Just make sure you apologize to her later, I don't think now is a good time." Ben started to walk away again, and then asked. "What did she say was wrong with Sarah?" Joe told him exactly what she had said. "Does Adam know about this?" Ben asked.

"I don't know, Pa, but I can ride to town and let him and the doctor know, it might help."

"I think that is a good idea, you might want to stay with him also." Ben pat his son on the shoulder, and turned his attention to his granddaughters. He sat down next to Emily and pulled her onto his lap.

"Grandpa, I'm scared." Katie said in a shaky voice, the little girl wasn't completely sure what was happening but knew everyone was sad.

"Is Mama gonna die?" Emily finally asked the question although she was to afraid to know the answer, when everyone was silent, she continued. "Is she gonna die like Daddy's Ma, and Uncle Hoss' Ma, and Uncle Joe's Ma? Tears were streaming down her face now, she wanted to bury her face in her Grandpa's shirt, but first she had to know the answer.

"Only God knows that Emily." Ben wished he could offer his granddaughter more comfort but he really didn't know what was going to happen. "How about we pray and ask God to take care of your Mama." He waited for an answer but just felt a slight nod, so he bowed his head and prayed.

* * *

Little Joe road into town, and tied his horse in front of the doctor's office. He walked in to find Sarah lying on the table, Adam holding her hand, and the doctor checking her over.

"Little Joe?" Adam questioned his presence.

"Do we know anything yet?" He started.

"No, did you ride all the way out here just to see if we knew anything?" Adam almost sounded perturbed by his brother being there, so Joe decided to state his purpose.

"Emily told me that Sarah has been getting dizzy when she stands up, and that her headaches are coming more often and lasting longer, I thought you ought to know that." He nodded towards the doctor.

"Sarah, why didn't you tell me this before?" The doctor questioned.

"I didn't think it was important." She said sitting up. "I feel fine now really."

"Well, your not fine, actually you may not be well at all." A shadow seemed to be cast over his eyes, and he lowered his head. It was only an educated guess, he couldn't really be sure, but it was his duty to tell them the worst possibility.

"What is it?" Adam asked, noticing the change in the doctor's demeanor.

"Adam, I have to be honest with you and Sarah. Seizures can come from a number of different things but seizures accompanied with severe headaches and dizziness could mean that you have a tumor in your brain." He finished the sentence with his head down, the worst part of his job was telling a friend, they are going to die.

"But you can't be sure, like you said it could be a number of things." Adam was squeezing his wife's hand harder now, his eyes begging the doctor to take back his words. Sarah sat on the table to stunned to say anything, she wanted to cry, she wanted to be brave, she wanted to run, but instead she just listened.

"No, I have no way to give you a clear diagnosis, but Adam I would not tell you this if I didn't think it was necessary for you to know of the possibility. I have seen this before, and you have to know that once the symptoms are this far along, there usually isn't that much time left." He turned to Sarah now, knowing Adam was to upset to continue listening. "You need to know what to expect if there is a tumor, so that you can identify it. As it grows, you will have more severe headaches that will last longer, and you will start to require more rest. Daily tasks will become exhausting, and you will need frequent breaks, the dizziness could cause you to be nauseous. Eventually, you will fall into a coma and not wake up." He struggled to get the last sentence out and then added, "These seizures could be unrelated, and like I said there is the possibility that it is a number of other less serious problems, but we can't be sure." Sarah nodded and finally found the courage to speak.

"Thank you, I guess we will just have to wait and see what happens. For now, I just want to get home to my girls." She slid off the table but the doctor stopped her.

"I'd like to check you over to see if I can find anything, now that I have this new information. Adam, Joe, can you wait outside." Joe nodded and gently tugged at his brother to follow. When they were alone outside, Adam sat on the bench and rested his head in his hands. Joe looked at his brother with sympathy, praying for the right words to say.

"Adam..." He stopped, maybe there weren't the right words to say in this situation, instead he sat down next to him and just decided to be there for him.

Inside, Sarah was struggling to ask the question that she was sure would seal her fate, she took a shaky breath and asked. "If someone in your family has had a brain tumor does it make you more susceptible."

"Well, yes. Often times things like this can be hereditary. Did someone in your family have a brain tumor." He asked though she had already given him the answer.

"My father, I remember him going through much of the same things I have been experiencing." She stopped trying to keep the tears from falling, but failed. "I guess I've known the answer for a while, but I couldn't bring myself to admit it, I wanted to be strong for my family, I want to be there for my girls. What will Adam do?" Thoughts were racing through her head, so many questions she wanted to ask, but knew there really was no answer, so all she asked was, "How much time do I have left?"

"No telling really, if your as far along as I suspect though, I'd say three to four weeks until the tumor will cause you to slip into a coma. I'm sorry I know that's not what you wanted to hear." His eyes were full of sympathy as he issued what seemed to be her death sentence.

"I think it's time for me to go home, thank you." She gave him a confident smile and headed out the door, where Adam and Joe were waiting. "Let's go home." Her smile wavered at first, but then she put a a brave front for both of the men standing before her. "Little Joe, would you mind riding back to the house and picking up the girls for us, I think me and Adam need some time to talk on the way home."

"Of course, Sarah, what do you want me to tell them." Joe questioned still uncertain what to think about all of this.

"Just tell them I am fine and we will discuss it with them. As for Ben and Hoss, well, I guess they ought to know that there is a possibility that I might not be around much longer." She chuckled a little trying to lighten the mood that thought brought with it.

"We don't know that Sarah." Adam said harshly, he didn't like her talking that way, she wasn't going to leave him.

"No, we don't know but they have a right to know what the doctor said. Thank you, Little Joe." She nodded to him. Joe walked over to her, and hugged her, before he turned back to his horse and rode away. Adam took her arm, they climbed in the wagon, and headed home.

"Adam, we have to talk about the possibility. How are we going to tell the girls?"

"We don't have to, your alive and well, and nothing is going to happen to you, I won't let it." He said firmly, ending the conversation. They would go on with life as though nothing changed, for as long as they could.


	3. The Dance

Emily lay in her bed that night not able to calm her own fears. Adam and Sarah assured both girls that she was fine, and not to worry about it. But Emily knew there was more to what had happened. _I wish they would just tell me the truth, I'm not a baby. Mama didn't look well, she looked tired. Maybe they are telling me the truth, Daddy wouldn't lie would he? He looked worried though, like the doctor gave them bad news. Uncle Joe wasn't very convincing either, why would all the adults be worried, and then tell me and Katie not to worry? _Her thoughts ended as she drifted off into a restless sleep.

Adam wasn't faring much better than his daughter, he couldn't think of anything that scared him more than losing Sarah. How could he bare to lose her, he didn't want to believe it. T_hey were wrong, they had to be wrong. _But even though he wanted to believe it with all of his heart, he knew it was true. He had seen her struggling for a long time, he was not oblivious to her pain but it was too hard to face his own. He just wanted to go on pretending that his perfect life would never change, He watched her sleep, peacefully. _Would this be how it was at the end, when she would fall asleep and never wake up. Never to see her smile light up the room, or her eyes sparkle when she laughs. Never to hold her in his arms, or feel her soft lips against his._ These thoughts plagued him as he tried to fall asleep, even so he was determined to be strong for her. He slid his arm underneath her and held her close, willing himself to be brave.

Sarah awoke to her husband pulling her into his warm embrace, she melted into his arms. Adam laid his head against hers brushing her cheek with his, she was about to speak, when she felt a warm tear fall on her face. She listened to her husband's labored breathing, he was trying hard to get control so not to wake her. Finally, she reached her hand up to his face, he pulled back and looked at her in the dark light. She gently wiped away his tears and ran her fingers through his thick, dark hair. "I love you, Adam." Now her tears mixed with his.

"I love you." He rested her head on his chest and they both fell asleep in each others' arms.

* * *

Another week went by as normal, Adam took Emily to school each morning and Hoss picked her up afterwards. She had decided to trust her parents, and so went back to the curious and carefree child that she was. Katie stayed home with her mother, but in her young age she didn't notice the small changes that began to happen. Sarah tried to go on as before, but with each day she would have to stop more and take a moment to rest. Her daily tasks were growing more difficult, but she wasn't about to let anyone see that. Adam had to just take one day at a time, helping her in any way her could when he got home in the evening.

Monday night there was dance in Virginia City, Adam had decided to take Sarah, Hoss had asked Katie to go with him, and little Joe had picked up Emily from school in order to ask her.

"Where is Uncle Hoss?" Emily questioned.

"He was busy today, so I came to pick you up." Joe smiled as he offered her a hand to help her in the wagon. She ignored it and climbed up, taking her seat as far on edge as she could, Joe took up the reins and started home. "You know if you scoot any farther away, your likely to fall out of the wagon." Joe chuckled trying to get anything out of his niece, when she didn't respond, he pulled the wagon to a stop and turned to her. "Ann, I'm sorry. I know your still upset at me for making a promise I couldn't keep, and you have every right to be. I made a mistake Ann, will you forgive me?" Emily turned to her uncle, _he really does look sorry, hmmm, Daddy says that when someone is really sorry its wrong not to forgive them. Grandpa said that God can't forgive those who don't forgive others, if I don't forgive Uncle Joe than maybe God won't answer my prayers and heal my Mama._ The thought scared her into a decision, and she nodded.

"I forgive you, Uncle Joe, I missed you this week." She smiled at him and scooted to his side.

"I missed you too, now what do you say to doing me the honor of escorting me to the dance tonight, Madam?" He clicked the reins again and gave her his most charming smile.

"Why sir, I'm flattered but I'm afraid you are to late, I have already been asked to the dance." She said matter-of-factly, although she could not suppress a giggle.

"Whom, may I ask, am I up against for such a fine young lady's affection." Little Joe continued their game.

"Tommy." She said trying not to laugh, but failed miserably.

"Tommy! Why you can't be serious? You would never say yes to Tommy, besides how could you go with him instead of me?" Joe was irate that she would choose the chubby, freckled boy over him. Emily could not stop herself now, and burst into a fit of laughter.

"Gotcha!" She doubled over.

"Why I shouldn't even take you to the dance after that trick." He feigned anger and looked away from her to hide his the smile.

"No, please Uncle Joe, I was just playing around. I don't want to go with anyone else but you." She stared at him with her big brown eyes, and looked as though she was about to cry.

"And I wouldn't want to go with anyone but you." He touched her nose and then lifted her onto his lap to help lead the team home.

Later that evening, Ben, Hoss, and little Joe met Adam's family in town for the dance. Although Ben did not have a date for the dance, as always each of the girls including Sarah, would save one dance for him. Katie excitedly dragged Hoss around all night, between talking to her friends, eating dessert, and dancing with her uncle, it wouldn't take long for her to get worn out. Little Joe escorted Emily around on his arm, she loved to play as though they were at some fancy ball, but they both failed at acting "proper". Adam knew Sarah was tired from the day, and decided to let her take it at her own pace.

Emily was dancing with Ben, so Joe had taken this chance to dance with Anna Parker, a sweet brunette who had recently moved into town. Joe continued to dance and talk with Anna through to the next song, but Emily had left her Grandpa to Katie, and headed back to find her Uncle.

"Uncle Joe?" Emily smiled at him and raised her eyebrows.

"Excuse me, Anna, I'd like you to meet my date, Ann." Little Joe smiled.

"Hello, Ann it's nice to meet you." Anna said extending her hand.

"It's Emily, only Uncle Joe calls me Ann, it's nice to meet you too. Uncle Joe?" She questioned again. Little Joe chuckled, as he looked between the two ladies. "I believe I promised you the next song." He put his arm out for Emily, who quickly took it and pulled him away. The night went by to quickly for Emily's liking, but soon they announced that they would play the last song for the evening, Beautiful Dreamer. Emily left her Uncle and ran off to find Katie, who was being bounced on Hoss' lap. She grabbed Katie and dragged her out to the dance floor to join their parents.

The dances in Virginia City always ended with the same song, and ever since Emily's first dance, her small family would all dance together on the last song. Katie had just been a baby when they took her to her first dance, so Adam had held her in one arm and held Emily's hand with the other. The girl's always looked forward to this last dance, even if it did mean the evening of fun was over.

Adam took each of his girls hand, and Sarah did the same, the four danced this way through the first verse, and then Adam lifted Emily into his arms. Sarah picked Katie up and moved closer to Adam who put his free arm around her. The song ended with "beautiful dreamer, awake unto me." Adam met Sarah's eyes as the music trailed off, and the floor erupted with clapping and laughter.

They all headed out to their wagons, saying goodbye to their family and friends. Both of the girls laid down in the back exhausted, Adam lifted Sarah up, and climbed in after her. On the way home, with the girls asleep, Adam decided to discuss something that had been on his mind this last week.

"Sarah, I know things at the house are getting harder for you, I was thinking it might help to move in with Pa just for a little while. I asked him about it and he thinks it would be a good idea." He said not able to look at her. He had been dreading this conversation because it meant that he would have to face the fact that she was dying, but that was selfish, and moving in with his father would be the best thing for all of them.

"Adam, I don't want to impose on your father, now really I'm doing fine." Sarah tried though it did sound nice not to worry about cleaning or cooking.

"I've already made up my mind, Sarah, we can start packing what we'll need tomorrow." He looked up at her now, his eyes pleading her not to argue. "I think it will be best for the girls to be around their family during this time." His voice trailed off as he looked back at the moonlit road. "I think it's time we tell them the truth." His last statement caught her off guard, but she knew he was right, they would need to prepare them.

"We'll tell them after Emily gets back from school tomorrow." She nodded, but grew quiet as her own tears started fall at the thought of telling her daughters that she was dying. Adam reached over and squeezed her hand_, _they both knew this was not going to be easy.


	4. The difficult truth

Little Joe road into the yard that afternoon with Emily in the front of the saddle, she had begged him the night before to pick her up from school on Cochise, and he gave in. He helped her off the horse, and she ran inside to tell Katie. Joe walked into the barn to find Adam brushing down Sport, he looked as though, he had aged tremendously from the night before. Joe knew he had a lot on his mind, and he had come to help with the move.

"Adam, are you alright?" Joe noticed his agitated movements.

"I'm fine." He barked at his brother.

"Older brother, I've known you for a long time, I can tell when something is wrong." Joe put his hand on Adam's arm to stop him from walking away. Adam shot him a piercing look, his own fear and anger taking over.

"Why can't you ever mind your own business? You really want to know what's wrong, well what isn't? My wife is dying and I can't do anything to help her! Now, I have to go in that house and tell my daughters that they are going to lose their mother. Tell me, brother, what isn't wrong." Adam pointed towards the house with his free arm, and then stared Joe down, daring him to answer.

"I'm sorry, Adam." He took a step away and looked at the ground. He had only wanted to help in some way, but it seemed he had only made things worse. "I came to help you load the wagon, but I think it might be better if I just go." Joe turned to walk away. Adam had calmed down, and realized that he had taken his frustrations out on his brother, who was only trying to help.

"No, I'm sorry, Joe. I would appreciate your help." They both nodded to each other, knowing all was forgiven. "That pile over there is what is going, I have to go talk with my family first, I'll help when we are finished." He started to walk out of the barn.

"Don't worry about it, I'll pack it all up, you just be there for your family." Joe offered.

"Thanks, little Joe." Adam said and then headed towards the house.

* * *

No one moved. Adam and Sarah had just finished explaining the heart-breaking situation to their daughters, the room was silent. Emily seemed to be processing what she had just been told, and they were not really sure Katie understood completely.

Emily felt like she had just been hit head on by a charging bull, she wanted to cry but no tears would come. She wanted to argue but she couldn't find her voice, she wanted to run but her legs wouldn't move. Instead, she sat on the couch to stunned to react to any one of the number of emotions that were running through her troubled mind.

"Why do you want to go to Heaven Mama? Why don't you want to stay with us?" Katie asked through tears. Sarah looked at her confused little girl, her own tears blurring her vision.

"Katie, I don't want to leave you, see when people die they go to Heaven if they know Jesus as their personal savior. People can't come back from Heaven, they stay there and someday their family will join them." She tried to bring it down to a five-year old level, but wasn't sure she was getting through.

"Can't you wait to go to Heaven, and then we can go with you." Katie tried again. Emily finally found her voice.

"No Katie, do you think if Mama had the choice, she would still leave us. She is dying, and she is never coming back!" Emily choked out the last sentence as now the tears came flooding out in uncontrollable sobs. Sarah pulled her into her arms and cried with her, Adam took a stunned, teary eyed Katie in his arms and stroked Emily's hair. It had been hard enough to find the words to say, to tell them they were losing their mother, but their reaction was even harder to bare. Adam felt helpless to take away the pain of those he loved the most. He could barely handle the knife that had been stuck in his own heart from when he had first found out about the tumor, now every time he saw his wife and children hurting it was as if someone was twisting that knife deeper into his heart.

Emily had cried herself to sleep, Adam gently laid her on the couch, and brushed her her hair from her puffy eyes. Sarah took Katie and the three walked out to the barn, to help with loading the wagon. But little Joe was already finished, Katie had already recovered from the sad news in the house, ran over to her uncle and jumped in his arms. Joe sent a questioning look at Adam and Sarah, as if to say did you tell them. Adam nodded but guessed Katie really wouldn't understand until after it happened, the knife twisted again as he wondered how the girls would handle it after she had passed.

"Uncle Joe, we are going to live with you, all of us except Mama, she is gonna live in Heaven. Do you know where Heaven is Uncle Joe?" Katie questioned, Joe cringed at how matter-of-fact she sounded when talking about it, but guessed it was hard to explain to a five-year old.

"Well, Katie. Heaven is somewhere way out in the sky, and it's the most beautiful place ever." He said hoping she wouldn't ask anymore questions, Joe was shocked at how hard it was for him to talk about it, but he loved Sarah as a sister, and felt for Adam and the girls.

"Katie, lets go check on your sister, and go get your doll. We don't want to leave that behind." Joe set his niece down, Sarah took her hand and led her back to the house. When they were gone, little Joe turned to Adam.

"I'm here for you, Sarah, and the girls, Adam. Pa, Hoss, and I will do what ever we can for you." Joe patted his brothers arm, but Adam pull him into a quick hug, which was very uncharacteristic for his older brother. He didn't have to say "thank you", his gratitude was understood between the brothers as they prepared the horses to leave.

* * *

The weeks that went by on the Ponderosa were hard weeks to say the least. Adam stilled worked but stayed close to the house, Emily was made to continue at school though she had begged to stay home. Sarah thought it best that she had something to fill her days, though all she really wanted was to have her home with her.

Emily struggled at school, she couldn't concentrate on the lessons, and it felt like each day just dragged on as they all waited for what would happen next. Katie was her usual chipper self, to her nothing had changed except they were living with her Grandpa and Uncles, which was very exciting.

Sarah was growing worse by the day, though she tried not to let anyone see it. She cleaned around the house, but she had to take frequent breaks, and helped with the daily chores in any way she could. She stayed out of the kitchen though, that was Hop Sing's territory, and she didn't mind.

It had been two and a half weeks since her first seizure, a few more had come throughout the weeks, and she steadily felt herself growing more drowsy as the days went by. Tonight, the family had gathered in the Ben's living room after dinner, Katie had requested that they sing and everyone loved the idea, except maybe Emily who didn't feel like singing.

Katie climbed up onto her Grandpa's lap, Emily sat between her mother and father on the couch, Hoss sat in the chair opposite his Pa, and little Joe stood next to it with his foot on the arm. Adam strummed his guitar while they all decided on a song. They sung sweet betsy from pike first, and several other favorites followed. Emily just sat there listening through the first song, but Sarah leaned over to her and said. "Please, sweety, sing for me." She smiled down at her, Emily sang for her mother. The family sang and laughed together, and for the moment life was perfect again.

Adam stepped outside and leaned on the railing, as Ben took the girls to bed. Sarah followed him out, leaning on the railing next to him, she took his arm in hers and leaned her head against it.

"Tonight was perfect!" She smiled looking up at the stars. Adam smiled sadly but didn't look down at her, he kept he gaze fixed on the beauty of the moonlit night.

"How are you feeling?" He asked.

"Alright, just a little tired." She stated but this was a feeling she growing accustomed to.

"Then we should get you to bed, its been a long day, you need your rest." He turned to lead her back to the house but she stopped him.

"No, Adam please. I'm not ready for this night to end, will you sing to me?" She leaned back against his chest, and held his arms that were wrapped around her waist. He leaned close her ear and began to sing in almost a whisper.

"I love a quiet girl, I love a gentle girl, warm as sunlight, soft, soft as snow." He looked up into the sky and sang in his deep baritone voice. "Her smile a tender smile, her voice a velvet voice, sweet as music, soft, soft as snow. When she is near me, the worlds in repose," He gently squeezed her. "we need no words, she sees, she knows. But where is my quiet girl? Where is my gentle girl? Where is the special girl? Who is soft, soft as snow. Somewhere, somewhere, my quiet girl." The song ended, but Adam leaned close to her ear and whispered, "Here, here is my quiet girl."

* * *

Dawn came the next morning, sun poured in the window to Adam and Sarah's room. Sarah rolled over and went to reach for Adam, it took all of her strength and concentration to bring her hand over to his side of the bed. It was empty, she opened eyes and saw him standing at the dresser tucking his shirt in.

"Adam, please don't leave me today." She pleaded in a weak voice. He quickly came over to the side of her bed and held her hand, she tried to squeeze it but only managed to wrap her fingers around his for a second.

"I'm here, don't worry I'm not leaving." Adam laid himself back down on the bed and held her close to him.

Emily had gotten up and ready for another miserable day of school, she pleaded every morning to stay home but always got the same answer. Today, she had put on her green checkered shirt and overalls, which she was not allowed to wear to school, and headed to her parents room. She pushed the door partly open, and saw her father, dressed and ready for the day, asleep holding her mother.

"Daddy?" She said quietly making her way over to the bed, he stirred and then opened his eyes. "Daddy, can I stay home today, please? I can't go to school again, I can't leave Mama." She pleaded with teary eyes. Adam sat up on the edge of the bed, trying to register what she was asking.

"No, Emily, your Ma and I agreed it was best for you to continue school, now go get ready so your not late." He motioned towards the door with a nod of his head.

"No, I won't go!" She stomped her foot determinedly but kept her voice down.

"Young lady, you march out that door this instant and get ready for school." Adam whispered firmly, now pointing at the door. He had to much on his mind right now, and he had quite enough of this daily argument about going to school. Emily didn't move just crossed her arms in front of her, and stood there, defiantly. With that Adam stood, grabbed her arm and led her out of the room. He pulled her into her own room, and sat down on the bed placing her in front of him. "We all have things we don't want to do right now, I don't want to go to work but I have to, you don't want to go to school but you have to. Life just doesn't stop because...because..." He stopped and looked at the ground, trying to regain his composure and control his temper. "No more arguments or I"ll bend you over my knee," He swatted her backside to get his point across, then added. "go on." Instead of heading to her drawers to change like she was supposed to, Emily ran out of the room and down the stairs. Adam followed after her, he wasn't really sure what to do, so he was thankful when Ben stopped him at the bottom of the stairs.

"Is she alright?" He asked nodding towards the door she had just ran out.

"I don't know, it's the same thing every day. She doesn't want to go to school." Adam sat back against the table.

"Adam, you know as well as I that it's not going to be much longer." His eyes grew sad at the thought but he went on. "She needs to be here, she needs time with her mother."

"I know, I just don't want to have to see her watch her mother die."

"She is whether she's here or not, son, it will be good for her to be around her family." Ben patted Adam on the arm. He could tell his son was hurting not only for himself but for his girls, he knew the feeling well. But it seemed harder for Adam, Ben had loved each of his wives with all his heart, but Adam's love and devotion to his wife and children went deeper. But he wouldn't show his pain, except that which escaped his tired eyes, no one would know what he was going through.

"I should find her, Sarah is worse today, I don't think she has the strength to get out of bed. I think I'll just work around the yard, so that I'm close." Adam stood to leave.

"Just stay with your family, we can take care of the work, they need you more." Adam nodded a thanks to his father and went out to the barn to find Emily. She was sitting in the hay loft looking out the opening. As Adam climbed up the ladder, it brought many memories back of talking with little Joe in this same place. He sat down across from her and neither spoke for quite some time.

"Do you really want stay home?"

"Yes, please Daddy, I want to be here with Mama." her deep brown eyes begging him to say "yes".

"Alright, but when I say it's time to go back, you have to with no arguments. Promise?" Her father gave her a sad smile, knowing that the time would come after her mother was passed.

"I promise. She's worse today isn't she?" She asked quietly.

"Why do you say that?" Adam questioned shocked that she always seemed to know more about the situation than the adults.

"Because you stayed with her all morning when you usually go do chores. She's gonna die soon isn't she?" Adam just looked at her, not saying anything, it hurt him to say those words how could his daughter be so strong. "I'm not a little girl like Katie, Daddy, you can tell me the truth, I won't cry."

"I know, you've grown up so much," He gently touched her cheek. "She is worse today, I don't know how much longer she can hold on, and it doesn't make you a little girl if you cry. I cry sometimes."

"Have you cried because Mama is sick?" She asked.

"Yes, come on pal, let's go see if your Mama wants breakfast." He stood up and Emily followed him, down the ladder and into the house, just happy to be with her family and not have to sit through another awful day at school.

Adam and Emily stayed with Sarah all day, she slept on and off but even when she was asleep they would not leave. Katie had stayed in the room for a while but then grew bored once her mother fell asleep, so she had gone off to bug Hop Sing. Seeing how hard it was for her mother to do simple things, such as lift her hand or head, was hard for Emily but she was stubborn and determined to stay with her Mama.

"Daddy, can you sing to us? I'll sing with you, Mama likes it when we sing." She climbed onto his lap.

"I don't feel like singing right now, why don't you go see if Katie is staying out of trouble." He let his knee drop enough for her to fall off onto her feet. She turned to him with her hands on his legs and begged.

"Just one song, Daddy, please, for Mama." She got him with that, Sarah loved it when he sang almost as much as Emmy, how could he refuse?

"Just one," He sat her back on his lap. "What do you say to Endless Road?"

"I like that one!" She nodded smiling. Adam held his little girl close and began to sing.

"Well every road I see leads away from me. There's not a single one that leads me home. All the roads keep saying, friend, come see what's round the bend, so is it any wonder that I roam. Oh, the places I have been keep a calling me back again, how down in the pines I hear the cold wind blow. My heart keeps telling me footloose and fancy free and the road goes by and calls me as it goes. Well, maybe somewhere there's a someone waiting there with a smile," Adam stopped and looked at Emily, she was smiling up at him. "and maybe there'll be someplace I can stop and rest a while, cuz maybe you weren't meant to be just a rolling stone, and there's a road to travel on that leads you back to home." Emily joined in. "Oh, but I'll keep a traveling on, keep a looking at the dawn, till I can lay this lonesome body down, and when that day has come I never more will roam and every road I see will lead me home. And when that day has come I will never more will roam and every road I see will lead me home." Adam hummed for a little bit, and then kissed her forehead.

"Daddy, Do want to roam like the song says or stay home with us? She questioned.

"All my roads lead home, this is where I want to be. Don't you know that?" He lifted her chin, so he could look her in the eye.

"Ya, but I wanted to hear you say it. I love you." She hugged him then scooted off his lap and headed towards the door.

"Where are you headed?"

"To check on Katie like you asked, I'll just take a second." She gave him one of her big smiles and left.

Adam turned to Sarah who was now smiling up at him, her eyes looked tired but her smile was still just as big. "How are you feeling?" He asked as he reached for her hand.

"I feel lousy," She chuckled, "but I can't complain, I mostly am just tired and have no strength, at least I'm not suffering like some people do. The better question is how are you doing?"

"I'm fine, it's been hard for Emily but we're all holding up." Adam squeezed her hand and tried to get rid of the lump that was growing in his throat.

"Adam, I know I'm the one dying but your the one who has to stay behind, when I die my pain will stop but yours won't. I hate leaving you and knowing how much pain I'm causing." They just stared at each other for a moment neither knowing what to say. They knew each other well enough to know how they handle the trials that come there way without saying anything but now neither knew how to help the other. Before anyone could speak, Emily came back in the room pulling the doctor behind her, Katie followed them in and took her place on her father's lap.


	5. The feeling of loss

"Alright, I have to check up on Sarah, so why don't you girls go find something to do until I'm finished." Doctor Martin gave the girls a reassuring smile.

"Oh, please Daddy, let us stay." Emily begged.

"Pleeeease." Katie reiterated.

"Listen to Dr. Martin, We'll get you when he is done." Adam pushed Katie off his lap and shooed the girls out of the room.

"Adam, you look exhausted. Go get some rest, this will take some time." The doctor added, but Adam shook his head.

"No, it's alright. I would like to stay with her." Adam met Sarah's eyes.

"Go ahead, Adam, you need a break." She agreed, but he shook his head again.

"That wasn't a request. Doctor's orders, go get some rest." He said firmly, as if Adam were a child.

"But I..." Adam was stopped mid-sentence by Dr. Martin's hand.

"No arguments, I'll let you know when we are finished." The doctor walked him over to the door and shut it behind him. Adam stood outside the door for a moment, but knowing better than to argue with Dr. Martin, he walked down the stairs and settled in the blue chair. Almost before he had even sat down, Katie was in his lap.

"Daddy, can we go home now?" She asked with sad eyes staring up at him. He wondered what had caused this, unless she finally understood what her mother's death would mean.

"Not yet, Kates." Adam squeezed her and stared into the small fire that was starting in the fireplace. Summer was nearing but today had decided to be a rather cold, dreary spring day.

"But Emily won't play with me since we got here, and everyone else is sad and you just stay with Mama in your bedroom all day." She whined. It dawned on him that with everyone's focus on Sarah, Katie had been left out, she had no one to play with and thought it was because they were living at her Grandpa's house.

"Katie, why don't you go grab a book and I'll read it to you." He helped her slide off his lap and she ran into her Grandpa's office to find a book. Adam leaned back against the chair and rested his eyes while he waited, he started to pray the prayer for his wife that he had said uncountable times in the last couple weeks, but soon drifted off to sleep.

"Adam, Adam wake up." Ben shook his son. "Dr. Martin wants to talk to you." He said with a smile. Adam opened his eyes and saw the family gathered around him smiling, he looked at them confused. But his father pulled him out of the chair and sent him up the stairs. He gently pushed the door open to see Sarah sitting up in the bed. Her long auburn hair tumbled around her shoulders, her blue eyes had their usual sparkle back that they had been missing, and her smile was contagious. Adam smiled back at her as he walked over, sat on the bed and squeezed her hand, still confused about the change in everybody's mood. Doc Martin walked around the bed and looked Adam in the eye, he looked a lot younger like the day Adam had first met the doctor.

"Adam, I'm going to be fine, the doctor says, I'll be up and around in a few days." Sarah giggled with delight. He just sat there staring at her, he couldn't believe it, the very thing her had hoped and prayed for weeks, could it be true. He looked at Dr. Martin, who returned a nod, Adam couldn't speak he just reached out to her and hugged her tight, not ever wanting to let go. The family gathered around, hugging and smiling. _How could this be, she had been so sick when I had gone to sleep and now she looked as though nothing was ever wrong. It was a miracle. _Adam was lost in thought, when his family seemed to start fading away, it grew darker until he was all alone, an awful feeling of dread replacing the joy he had just felt.

"Daddy, I got the book, wake up." Katie shook him.

"Let him sleep, Katie, he needs rest." Emily chided her young sister.

"He said he would read to me." Katie complained.

"I'll read to you, leave him be." Emily tried to pull her sister away, but Katie pushed her back, Emily grabbed her by the hair and led the crying little girl away. Adam heard all this happening but with the realization that everything had been a dream, he couldn't bring himself to face the world just yet. Ben stopped the girls at the stairs.

"Emily, what's going on?" He grabbed her hand making her release the wad of hair, and swatted her three times. Her grandfather's hand was large and the stinging swats brought tears to her eyes, but she tried to not let them show. "What's going on?" Ben asked again this time expecting an answer, as he set his hand on Katie's shoulder in an effort to stop the flow of tears. The two girls both started to explain what happened, talking over each other in the squeaky voices of a child trying not to cry. Ben didn't catch a word, he also didn't feel like dealing with the young girls right now. "Alright," He held up his hand. "Both of you go sit in your room, and just don't talk to each other." He said not wanting to find them fighting again.

"Yes sir." They said in unison, then ran off up the stairs and into their room. Emily shut the door and threw herself onto her bed and let the tears flow. The spanking barely hurt anymore but getting in trouble with her Grandpa was worse, she sobbed into her pillow.

"I'm sorry, sissy, please don't cry." Katie sat on her sister's bed, it always made her want to cry when Emily did.

"Go away, I was just trying to help and you didn't even get in trouble." She spat at her little sister, but immediately regretted it when she saw tears spring to her eyes. "I'm sorry, Katie, don't cry. Do you want me to read to you?" She asked hoping to get her mind off of everything, and just be able to escape in a book. Katie nodded, handed her the story that she still held in her hand and crawled up beside her. They read together for quite some time just enjoying this rare peaceful moment in their now difficult lives.

Downstairs, after the girls had gone, Adam opened his eyes to see his father walking towards him. "Did you get any rest?" Ben asked his son, knowing how much he needed it.

"A little, enough for now. Are they finished?" He asked glancing up the stairs. Ben nodded solemnly, Adam stood but Ben blocked his sons path.

"Son, you know the time is coming." He wiped his hand over his face trying to chose the right words. "Just remember to turn to God to help you in this time, it's the only way I know to get through this." Ben finished lamely, Adam had turned angrily away from him at the mention of God. When Ben touched his arm, he turned back around.

"I have prayed for weeks that God would heal my wife, or even take me instead of her, but I'm still losing her. God doesn't care, and I want nothing to do with him." Adam voice was low and the muscle in his jaw tensed with every word. Ben knew this was not the time to contradict his son, he was hurting and had to point his anger and frustrations of being helpless at something. He had chose the one many did in his situation, Ben remembered a time after Marie had died that he had done the same, it was just easier to blame God.

"I understand." Was all Ben knew to say. Adam's first reaction was to get angry at his father's words, no one understood what he was going through. But then realization hit, and he knew his father probably knew better than anyone else.

"Adam." Dr. Martin made his way down the stairs and over to father and son. Both eyes were on him now and he knew he had their full attention. "You can go back to her now," Adam started to walk past him before he could finish, Dr. Martin gently put his hand on Adam's arm. "It won't be much longer, you should send the girls in to say goodbye." He directed his last statement at Ben.

"How many more days?" Adam asked his eyes not meeting either of the men's gazes.

"Not days, Adam," Dr. Martin searched for the right way to go about this but bluntly was the only way he knew. "I believe the next time she falls asleep, she will slip into a coma, and it could be minutes or days after." There was no need to go farther, it was understood that once she had gone into a coma, she wouldn't wake up. Adam left without a word, he climbed the stairs two at a time, and disappeared into their room. Ben thanked the doctor and walked him to the door, before heading to the girls' room. Hoss and little Joe had just returned home, so Dr. Martin stopped to fill them in.

Ben gently opened the door to his granddaughters' room, they were sitting on Emily's bed reading Rapunzel, when he stepped in they both looked up at him not sure if he was still upset. Ben walked over to them and sat down next to Katie.

"I'm glad to see that you both made up with each other." He smiled down at them.

"We did, Grandpa, and Emily is reading to me." Katie exclaimed.

Emily looked back at her book sheepishly, Ben reached around Katie and gently touched Emily on the arm. When she looked up at him, he smiled and said. "That was very sweet of you."

"I found this," She held up a dried and flattened purple flower. "It's Mama's favorite flower. Do you think they have these in heaven?" She asked softly.

"I'm sure they do, fields of them, Emmy, just for your Mama." She slid off the bed and walked over to her Grandpa, Ben took both of the girls into his arms and held them tight.

* * *

Adam sat on the bed next to his wife, her pale complexion and dry, cracked lips were the only way you would know that she was sick. Her eyes lit up at the touch of his hand, and the smile she gave him was just as brilliant as ever. They just stared at each other in sad silence, neither knowing how to go about saying goodbye. There eyes spoke more than words could ever say. Adam held her hand as though it was her life-line, it was his familiar firm grip but he struggled to control their shaking. Her large smile turned into a soft, peaceful look and her tired voice found its way to his listening ears. "Adam," The sound of her voice saying his name for possibly the last time nearly shook his resolve, but his hand just held tighter. "take care of our girls, they need you now more than ever." She stopped to gather the strength she needed to continue. "Please, don't become a bitter old man." She managed a chuckle though it stole her remaining energy, all she could do was lay back and watch her husband struggle to be strong.

"Don't worry about the girls, we'll make it through this together." His voice cracked and he stopped to regain his composure. He clenched his teeth together and fought the lump in his throat. He rested his head in his hand in defeat. How could he keep going without her in his life? How was he supposed to drag himself out of bed in the morning without seeing her playful smile? How was he supposed to come home at the end of the day and not hold her in his arms? The questions tumbled one after another through his mind. The door opened to the bedroom, Ben stood there with Emily and Katie, Hoss and little Joe followed them in. Adam was thankful for the distraction, though a sickening feeling still plagued him, the questions had deserted him, for now.

"Mama, you look so pretty." Katie said as she climbed on the bed next to her.

"Careful." Emily scolded her younger sister, pulling her back so she didn't crawl on top of their mother. Sarah reached out to Emily with one arm, and managed to wrap her free arm around Katie. Mother and daughters together in each other's arms, Adam had to look away, emotions clouding his thinking.

"I love you both so much. Emmy help your daddy and take care of your sister for me. Let your curiosity take you places you could never imagine, but don't let it get you in to much trouble." She stopped to rest before turning to Katie. "Sweetheart, I'm leaving but I'll always be in your heart, both of your hearts. Be good and never forget that I love you both with all of my heart." She leaned back against the headboard and closed her eyes. The room was silent, for a moment no one breathed afraid that she was gone, but she managed to pull her eyes open again.

"I love you, Mama. Grandpa said that heaven has fields of these just for you." Emmy's eyes filled with tears as she held up the little flower, then rested her head on her mother's chest, her childish heart still hoping for a miracle.

"I love you." Katie said as tears streaked her cheeks, she didn't know why her mother was leaving, she just knew this time she wasn't coming back.

"Thank you." Sarah said looking between Ben, Hoss, and little Joe. No more needed to be said, to each one it meant something different. They each nodded there understanding of the simple words, as tears began to fill their own eyes. The room was clouded with emotion, the feeling of loss was difficult to know how to react to and each would in their own way, but for the moment she was still with them. Sarah turned back to Adam now. "I love you. Will you sing to me, the one you sang to me the other night?" She pleaded as her eyes closed once more. Adam struggled to control his emotions enough to sing, he found his voice although it was quiet and shaky, he began.

"I love a quiet girl, I love a gentle girl, warm as sunlight, soft, soft as snow. Her smile a tender smile, her voice a velvet voice, sweet as music, soft, soft as snow." His voice failed him, and he stopped but the sweet smile on her face encouraged him to continue. "When she is near me, the worlds in repose, we need no words," His voice cracked but then he found the resolve to finish, "she sees, she knows. But where is my quiet girl? Where is my gentle girl? Where is the special girl? Who is soft, soft as snow. Somewhere, somewhere, my quiet girl." Tears were running unchecked down his face, and he felt the soft hand in his go limp. "Where...Where is," He looked towards the ceiling barely able to get out the words. "my quiet girl." He choked the words out and then rested his head on his hand which still held hers. His body shook, and his soft sobs filled the darkening room, the girls realized what was happening and Katie cried uncontrollably, Emily quietly like her father. Ben walked over and checked her breathing and heartbeat, there was none, he silently thanked God that she had gone quickly and his son wouldn't have to be tortured waiting for his love to die any longer. Ben lifted Katie, whose cries were growing louder, into his arms and held her close. Little Joe followed his father's example and went to pull Emily away, but she pulled away from him and closer to her mother. Joe looked at his father, to know what to do next, without a word he understood what his father wanted, and he gently pulled Emily into his arms.

"No. No! Uncle Joe, let me go." She was now crying almost as loud as her sister, Adam didn't even seem to notice the others around him. They left Adam alone in the room, Ben took Katie to her room and rocked her to sleep rather quickly, he left Joe in the room to take care of Emmy. Emily had controlled her tears, but offered no assistance in getting ready for bed, Joe helped her into her nightgown and then pulled her into an embrace, which she didn't return. Her demeanor was cold and distant. Little Joe laid her in her bed but instead of leaving her there, he climbed in with her and held the little girl until they both fell into a restless sleep.

Adam looked around the room, empty. Everyone had gone, he looked at the motionless figure on the bed, so peaceful. The smile had never left her face, not that he had expected it to. So many emotions raced through his mind that he couldn't feel a single one, he felt numb, and it felt as though the knife in his heart had been jerked out leaving a gaping hole. Emptiness filled him. The little light that he had managed to keep in his heart during the last weeks, now dimmed and went out leaving behind only smoke, the trace of the light that his wife had ignited in him. Sobs wracked his body. She was gone.

After some time Adam managed to get some control of his emotions, he left their room to check on the girls. He quietly pushed the door open, his heart melted at the sight of both his girls curled up, asleep in little Joe's arms. Adam walked over to the bed and shook Joe, he opened his eyes and was shocked to see his brother standing over him. "Why don't you go get some sleep in your own bed, I'll stay here with the girls." He nodded at the two little angels sleeping on either side of little Joe. Joe nodded, gently moved both arms from around the girls and slid out of the bed.

"Goodnight, Adam." He whispered.

"Night." Adam returned. He reached down and picked Katie up and cradled her in his arms, as he sat down on the bed. He laid back with Katie curled up on his chest and put his arm around Emily, pulling her close. Emily woke up, she looked at Adam for a second trying to register who he was, but then relaxed in his arms.

"Daddy?" She whispered almost to quietly to be heard.

"Mmhhmm." He answered as he suddenly felt very tired.

"I love you, Daddy. Please don't leave me." She started to cry softly as she gripped his shirt in her little hands.

"Sh sh sh. It's alright, Emmy. I'm not going anywhere, just go to sleep." He held her tighter. "I love you." He kissed her forehead and rubbed her back until her breathing was even, when he knew she was asleep, he finally let sleep claim him.

* * *

_Thank you for the reviews I have already gotten. Please let me know what you like or do not like, every tip is helpful. If you have any ideas where to go from here that would be great._


	6. Going back

Katie awoke to a noise in the hallway, she looked at her sister's bed, Emily was sound asleep. The little girl crawled out of bed, her bare feet silently carried her across the cold floor to the door. She peeked out at first, but when she did not see anyone, she slid out of the room.

Adam set his coffee cup on the table, and sighed. _Had it really been two days since the funeral_?It was as if he was living in a fog, the pain of loss had numbed him to the world, it was as though he had stopped living along with Sarah._ Sarah. _How he missed her, _her laugh, her smile, her touch, her love_.

"Daddy?" The small voice pulled him out of his memories. He looked up and to see Katie at the bottom of the stairs. She walked towards him. "Where are you going?"

"I have to go out for a little while, why don't you go back to bed until the others are up." Adam lifted her into his arms and held her close. The feel of his little girl in his arms for the first time in days, felt so right, he longed to just stay with her and hold her.

"Can I go with you?" Her big blue eyes stared up at him and then she cuddled closer into his chest.

"Not today, Kates, go on back to bed." He kissed her forehead and set her back on her feet. She slowly walked towards the stairs, looking back at him with sad eyes, she stopped at the bottom of the stairs. She turned around to ask one more time but he was already headed for the door.

Adam saddled his horse, Sport and quietly led him out of the barn. The last thing he wanted this morning was to run into his father or brothers, what he was about to do was going to be hard enough without his family's sympathies. He mounted and rode out of the yard towards his house. He hadn't been back since the day before Sarah died, he had Hoss take care of the animals until he was ready to go back.

Adam slowed Sport as he came into the yard, he stopped and just looked at the little house.

_Flashback_

"Oh Adam, look at it. It's so cute!" Sarah exclaimed at the sight of the house on the land he had purchased from his father. Adam had built the house with his own hands, it looked much like the house he had built for his father but less extravagant. That didn't matter to Sarah though, it was perfect. She practically skipped around the yard, taking in everything. "Can't you just picture it? A little garden right here in front of the porch, a bench on the front porch where we can sit and drink coffee together every morning, and children! Little children running all over the yard, our son chasing chickens, and our little girl picking flowers. It's perfect." Her eyes were sparkling and she looked like a giddy little school girl, but her excitement was something Adam loved about her. He pulled her into his arms and tried to imagine what she saw.

"I like the sound of that." He smiled at the thought of the children that they wanted to have.

_End of Flashback_

Adam walked up to the porch the little garden was starting to die from a lack of water and the tender care that Sarah had always provided. The porch bench sat empty on the porch, holding memories of morning after morning of sitting there enjoying each other's company. Through Sarah's pregnancies they sat and talked of fears and the joy a baby would bring. After Emily was born, they would sit there while she nursed, and when Katie was born, Emily would sit with her father while Sarah held Kates.

He sat on the bench and touched the arm, looking out at the quiet yard that reminded him of all their dreams. He finally worked up enough courage to go inside, but he stood in the doorway as more sweet but bitter memories filled him.

_Flashback_

"Will you grab Emily? She just woke up but I'm afraid the bacon will burn if I leave it." Sarah smiled at him before turning back to breakfast. Adam walked into their room to where there baby girl was cooing and blowing little bubbles. He chuckled as he lifted her into his arms, she reached her chubby little arms up to his face, and he kissed her small hands. An awful smell reached his nose, and he pulled his head away from her.

"Ummm, Sarah, I need you." He called from their room.

"I'm busy." She yelled back trying to finish breakfast.

"I think Emily needs to be changed." He called from the door of their room.

"Alright, here give me her," Sarah had come out of the kitchen and reached for her daughter. "Since you can't handle this, do you think you can keep breakfast from burning? The bacon is almost ready."

"Don't worry, that I can do." Adam handed the baby over and headed to the kitchen, the bacon was sizzling on the stove along with some eggs that were ready. He removed the eggs and then sat back to wait for the rest to finish.

Sarah had finished with Emily, and carried her out into the living room where she laid her on a blanket on the floor. She started for the kitchen, and then hurried her steps at the smell of something burning.

"Adam?" She called as she ran into the kitchen, he wasn't there. She quickly pulled the bacon off the stove and opened the windows to let the smoke out.

"What happened?" Adam asked as he rushed in the back door, though he already new the answer.

"You burnt the bacon, where were you?" She asked in an exasperated tone.

"Little Joe stopped by to see if I could help round up some cattle today, I forgot about the bacon." He dropped his head feeling bad about it.

"I thought you said you could handle it." She remarked chuckling. He glanced up at her shocked that she thought it was funny.

"Maybe I should stick to ranching," Adam laughed. "Well what do you say, we sit down to a nice breakfast of eggs, toast, and burnt bacon?" He kissed her forehead, thankful for how easygoing she was.

"Ummm, Adam you can eat that if you want to but I think I'll stick to the eggs." She smiled as she took of fork and tried to stab the bacon which just crumbled into little black shards. They erupted into laughter and it had become an ongoing joke from that day forward.

_End of Flashback_

Adam chuckled softly at the memory, but now he stood in front of their bedroom door and a lump entered his throat. It took him a minute before he could push open the door and walk in. He walked over to the dresser with their family portraits on it and picked it up staring at her face for what seemed to be an eternity. The ache he felt in his heart was to much to bare at the sight of her, he set the picture down and his eyes scanned the rest of the room.

_Flashback_

It was a stormy cold night, the girls had been put to bed and now husband and wife laid in each other's arms enjoying the warmth. They fell asleep to the lightning and thunder roaring outside the window. Adam awoke with a start in the middle of the night, he glanced quickly around the room trying to spot what had woken him. He jumped when he felt a small hand touch his arm.

"Daddy, I'm scared." Katie's tear filled eyes were staring up at him. He sighed and pulled her into bed with them.

"Shhhh, we don't want to wake up your mother." He said gently caressing her hair. "It's alright, I won't let anything happen to you. Do you trust me?"

"Mmhhmm." She nodded.

"K," He pulled the covers back and laid her in the bed between him and Sarah. "Go to sleep." He gently rubbed her back until she relaxed and then he closed his eyes to get some rest. Just as he fell asleep, something hit him the gut, he sat up with a groan and looked around for his attacker. Emily was sitting in front of him.

"Sorry, Daddy, I was trying to climb over without waking you up." She said and crawled into his lap.

"Let me guess your scared too." Adam sighed.

"A little, it's a pretty bad storm tonight." She cuddled closer.

"Emmy, there have been plenty of storms and you haven't ever been scared before." He pulled her back to see her face.

"But this storm is bigger and I want to sleep with you." She smiled up at him.

"Alright, crawl in." He shook his head knowing very well she wasn't afraid but he was to tired to argue.

"Daddy, why does does thunder always come after lightening?" She said sleepily.

"You already used your "why" question today, now go to sleep." He wasn't in the mood to try and explain it to her now, it was late and he was going to pay in the morning.

"But that was yesterday, it's practically morning now." She sat up to look at him.

"Don't remind me." He moaned. "I'll explain in the morning after it's time to get up." He waited for her to argue but only heard her snores. He rolled over and tried to fall asleep but her snoring kept him awake for quite some time. The next morning Sarah woke up a very groggy Adam.

"Adam, breakfast is ready." She gently shook him. "You look exhausted! Did you stay out too late?" She joked.

"Yep, guess I got caught up having such a good time in town." He chuckled and pulled her onto his lap.

"Well, I would expect you to be more responsible knowing how long and hard your going to have to work today." She gave him a stern look.

"Ya, guess I wasn't thinking. Your not mad, are you?" He pulled her back down as she tried to stand.

"Only that you didn't take me with you." She gave him a playful punch in the arm. They both laughed and Adam opened his legs just enough for her to fall to the floor. She turned around to him bowled him over on the bed, he pinned her down and kissed her. "The girls keep you up?"

"Both at different times, and I couldn't fall asleep after Emmy did." He chuckled and then kissed her again.

"I woke up to Katie kicking me but that wasn't until this morning. I let you sleep in, Emily and I did your chores for you so you could rest." She pushed him out of the way and stood up, Sarah put her hand out to him and they went to join the girls for breakfast.

_End of Flashback_

By now the memories had grown to be to much for Adam and he left the house. He mounted his horse and rode towards his father's house. Ben met his son as he came into the yard, he had an idea of where he had gone but wasn't going to push for an explanation.

"Adam, Hop sing kept some breakfast warm for you when your ready for it." Ben patted his son's shoulder and then took the reins of his brown horse.

"Thanks Pa," Adam shifted nervously. "Do you mind if the girls and I stay on here for a little while, I don't think there ready to go back to the house." He finished not looking at his father.

"Of course son, your welcome to stay as long as you need. The memories certain things bring back can be hard to face, but memories are God's gift to us, a way we can always keep loved ones close." Ben smiled sadly, remembering how he hadn't been able to listen to Elizabeth's music box for five years after she was gone, now he enjoyed the sweet sound and the memory of her. Adam just nodded, knowing his father knew he couldn't go back yet and thankful for the way Ben understood without being told.

* * *

"Emily, it's time to go back, you've already missed two weeks of school. There are only a few weeks left." Adam sat in the red chair in the living room, his hand came up to pinch the bridge of his nose but he pulled it away. Little Joe and Emily loved to make fun of him for that habit, so he had been working on breaking it.

"Daddy, I can't go back. I'm not ready." Emily crossed her arms and stared at him through her dark eyes. Adam may have been tempted to soften and give into her if she had cried or been sad about it, but she just had just been rebellious and angry through the entire conversation.

"I'm not arguing with you. You promised that when I said it was time to go back, you would go without complaint, I'm expecting you to keep that promise. You'll start again tomorrow, I'll see if Joe can drop you off." He stood to leave deciding the matter was settled. Emily ran up the stairs and into her room, slamming the door behind her. Adam winced at the sound, he knew she shouldn't be allowed to get away with that but he didn't feel like dealing with it now, so he let it go. A loud cry came from the kitchen, startling Adam. He ran to the kitchen, where he found an exasperated little Joe kneeling beside a very upset Katie.

"What happened?" Adam asked as he knelt down on Katie's other side to comfort her.

"I don't know, we were just talking and then she asked where Sarah was and when I told her she just started crying." Joe quickly explained. Adam pulled Katie into his arms but her ear-piercing cries were difficult to stand, so he walked into the living room and set her on the couch, pulling her head to his chest.

"It's not your fault, little brother." Adam said over her cries. Little Joe helplessly watched the seen before him. Adam was gently rubbing Katie's back and running his hand through her dark brown hair. Little Joe couldn't remember a time that Adam had looked so at a loss of what to do. He noticed how much it seemed like his brother had aged in the last couple of weeks, he looked exhausted physically and mentally. It took about ten minutes for Katie to become to exhausted to continue, and she settled contentedly in her father's arms.

"Are you alright now?" Adam asked lifting her chin so he could see her tear-streaked face. She just nodded. "I'm going back to work tomorrow and Emily will be at school, will you be fine here with Hop Sing?"

"No, I want Mama." She said pouting.

"Kates, it's past bed time. Go get ready for bed and I'll be up to say goodnight." Adam slid her off his lap and gave her a gentle shove towards the stairs.

"Daddy?" She stopped and looked at him.

"What?" He returned hoping the question would not include Sarah.

"Mama always helped me get ready for bed, can you help me?" She asked sweetly, wiping away the remaining tears.

"Emily will help you, I'll come kiss you goodnight just like always." Adam sighed, he didn't have the energy to be both mother and father that was for sure. Uncle Joe hugged her and carried her up the stairs to her room, Emily was sitting on her bed silently. Joe helped Katie into bed and then sat by his eldest niece.

"Hey Ann, Adam said your going back to school tomorrow. Don't worry it will be good to get your mind off things here." Little Joe tried to comfort.

"But I'm not ready Uncle Joe, I don't want to cry in front of the other kids." She said almost to quietly to hear.

"You will never feel ready, you just have to keep moving on with life somehow. And if you feel like your gonna cry just ask the teacher if you can be excused or go to the outhouse." He felt for the girl, he knew how hard it was to go back to school after such a tragedy. "I'll take you to school in the morning, I'll even walk you in if it will help." He tried.

"Thanks Uncle Joe but I'm not a baby. Can we ride Cochise?" She brightened a little.

"Of course." She reached around his neck and hugged him for the first time in days. He held her for a long moment treasuring their time together. Adam walked into the room as little Joe stood to leave. "Goodnight." He said as he left the room, hearing only a faint reply.

"Get into bed." Adam pulled back the covers for Emily, she crawled across the bed and laid down facing away from him. He sighed as he pulled the blanket over her and kissed the side of her head. He hoped after a day of school she wouldn't be mad at him anymore. Adam walked over to Katie's bed and kissed her, said goodnight to both of them and then headed to his own room.

He laid in his bed, alone and empty, hoping that starting work would bring purpose back into his life.


	7. Adjustments

"Ann," Little Joe called after her as she walked toward the schoolhouse. "Remember I'll be right here in town if you need me." Emily turned and watched him ride away. That morning they had decided that he would stay in town all day just in case she couldn't handle it. Emily knew that she wouldn't leave school to find her Uncle, that would make her look like a baby, but it helped knowing he was close by.

Emily walked into the building and took her seat, next to Cecily. Her best friend just smiled at her and then looked away.

"Emily, it's great to have you back in class with us." Mrs. Thompson smiled at her, and then started class. At lunch break all the kids scrambled out of the building to claim their favorite spots before they were taken. Emily slowly followed the other kids out, and stood at the bottom of the steps as she watched them disperse throughout the school yard. She finally spotted Cecily, sitting in on a log with three other girls. Emily's heart sunk, Cecily had been her best friend since she had started school, they had always eaten lunch together on the grassy patch near the tire swing. Tears sprang to her eyes and she had a lump in her throat, in an attempt to control her emotions she quickly walked in the opposite direction and found a secluded place by the side of the building. Little Joe had come to eat lunch with his niece, he didn't see her so he started to walk into the school, but out of the corner of his eye he saw two legs sticking out of the side of the building. A hunch told him it was her.

"Hey, Ann, what are ya doing over here all by yourself. I thought you'd be with Cecily." Joe sat down beside her.

"She has knew friends." Emily said taking another bite of her sandwich.

"It's been a while since you've been in school, she probably just got used to hanging out with those girls. Maybe if you tried to be friends with all of them it would help." Joe tried.

"She treats me different, she didn't even say "hi" to me when I got here." Emily said hurt by the actions of her closest friend.

"She just doesn't know how to act around you, Ann. It's not easy knowing what to say, your gonna have to put forth the effort to show her she can still be herself." He put his finger under her chin and lifted up to look into her eyes, he could see the signs of tears starting. "Why don't I take you home, you can do a full day starting tomorrow?" He offered, deciding she had enough.

"No, I'm fine. There is nothing to do at home, I'll stay." She wiped at her eyes and then continued eating.

"If your sure?" He questioned.

"I am." Was her simple reply as she turned her attention back to her food. Emily finished the day out, though she never did talk to her friend. At the end of the day, Uncle Joe picked her up and they headed home.

* * *

They rode up to the house and Joe pulled Cochise to stop in front of the door. A loud cry could be heard from inside, they exchanged looks and then hurried inside the house. Katie was sitting in the middle of living room on the floor crying her loudest, and poor Hop Sing was trying to calm her down with one of her favorite dolls. At the sight of them, relief flooded his face and he hurried over to them.

"She won't stop, here you try." He handed Little Joe the doll. "Hop Sing is going to cook dinner, Hop Sing a cook not a babysitter." With that he turned and hurried off to the kitchen.

"I'll go take care of the horse, Uncle Joe." Emily said as she turned to walk away.

"Oh no you don't, your not about to leave me here with that." He said exasperated.

"Well somebody has to take care of the horse." She stated. Little Joe turned handed her the doll and headed out the door, yelling behind him.

"She's your sister, I got the horse." He quickly closed the door behind him.

"Ugh!" Emily sighed as she walked over to Katie. "Alright, Kates, please stop." She tried as sat down next to her. "You wanna tell me what's wrong?" Katie shook her and continued to cry though is softened a little. "Come on sis, your gonna give Hop Sing a headache if you don't stop and if Daddy comes home to you crying he isn't gonna be very happy. Please?"

Sniff sniff. "Daddy is gonna be mad at me?" Sniff sniff. Her breaths still came in shaky gasps but he crying had subsided for now.

"No, he has just had a long day, and coming home to you upset, would just make him upset." Emily pushed her sister's out of control hair back from her face. "Why were you crying?" She asked gently.

"Daddy is at work and I wanted Mama, but Hop Sing said I can't see her." She almost started to cry again, he big blue eyes filling with tears and her bottom lip stuck and quivered.

"Shshsh, don't cry. Daddy will be home soon, I'll stay with you until he gets here." She comforted Katie who had finally calmed down.

"Can we play checkers?" She asked brightening a little.

"Sure, just until Daddy gets home though, I still have homework to do." She smiled at her little sister, happy to see how quickly she bounced back after being so upset.

* * *

Ben, Hoss, and Adam made it home just before dinner, they walked into the house where Emily and Katie were involved in an intense game of checkers, supervised by Joe.

"Your not helping them cheat, are ya little brother?" Hoss chuckled, followed by Ben, Joe, and the girls. Adam smiled a little, it was so nice to see his daughters laughing again, when Emily laughed she looked just like her mother, the thought sent a pang of emptiness through him.

"Girls, get washed up for supper." Adam said a little more harshly than he had meant to sound. He headed into the kitchen to the wash basin. The kitchen was a mess, very unusual for Hop Sing, Adam looked at him questioning the havoc.

"Hop Sing no babysitter. Little girl everywhere, no time to cook, no time to clean, no time. Must watch girl, must keep her out of trouble. Supper is late, and kitchen a mess, no more babysitter." Hop Sing continued his rant in Chinese. Adam ran his hand down his face in frustration and then turned to continue the task of washing up. There was no point in arguing with Hop Sing, he would just have to make other arrangements. He wondered how his wife had handled it, she cleaned, cooked, took care of Katie and Emily when she got home, and never complained. She always had everything taken care of by the time he got home, how was he ever supposed to fill her role.

The family sat at the table, eating a little later than normal and a much less extravagant meal, but no one was about to question, they all had a pretty good idea of what had happened. Ben discussed business with Hoss and little Joe, and tried to bring the girls in for a more light-hearted discussion. But the atmosphere had made a drastic change since Adam had walked in, the girls were quiet and reserved. Ben had been waiting for Adam to ask Emily about school but when he knew that he had no intention of discussing any topic, he went ahead.

"How did school go today?" He questioned with enthusiasm.

"Fine." Was the simple answer he got in return. Ben noticed her glance at Adam, as though waiting for him to show interest in her life, but then went back to staring at her full plate.

"Do you have a lot of homework?" Ben continued hoping to draw his granddaughter out of the cave she seemed to be withdrawing to.

"No." She said not looking up.

"She didn't do it yet cuz she was playing checkers with me." Katie pushed her way into the conversation. This was the first time Adam gave any indication that he was listening to the conversation, he gave Emily a stern look.

"Well, that was very nice of her, wasn't it?" Ben tried to smooth things out.

"Ya, I wanna go to school too. So I can play with my friends everyday." She added changing the subject.

"Soon enough, Kates. But you know you don't just play with friends all day." Hoss joined in the conversation.

"Ya, school really isn't all it's cracked up to be." Little Joe joined in.

"It's got to be better than staying with Hop Sing." Katie whined.

"That's enough." Adam turned to her, the harshness in his voice startling everyone, tears immediately sprang to Katie's eyes. "Hop Sing was good enough to watch you on top of all his other duties. Now I have to find someone else to take care of you during the day." Everyone at the table was silent, shocked at the way he had talked to his little girl, who had now dissolved into tears. Adam let his fist hit the table out of frustration, knowing he had lost his temper, he stood and headed for the door. Ben quickly followed his son.

"Where are you going?" He asked as Adam opened the door.

"Out. I'll be back later." Ben put his hand on Adam's arm.

"She needs you right now, son." He said gently, but Adam turned from him and walked out to the barn. Ben went back to the table and lifted Katie off her chair and into his lap. "He's not upset with you, Kates, everything will be alright." He comforted.

"Can I be excused." Emily said quietly from her seat.

"You haven't even eaten anything on your plate yet." He pointed out. "Eat a little and then you can go." He said choosing not to fix her grammatical error.

"I have a lot of homework to finish and I still have my chores to do, I didn't get any done because of Katie." She said it more as an accusation towards her little sister.

"I did your chores already." Little Joe stated softly, feeling the tenseness in the room and not wanting to make the wrong move.

"I have to do my homework." She stated again and as though the matter was settled left the table and headed for her room.

"Emily." Ben called after her but she pretended like she didn't hear him and continued to her room. He let out a frustrated sigh and glanced at his two younger sons sitting uncomfortably across from him.

"Pa, I'll take her to bed." Hoss nodded to the little girl still sobbing in his lap.

"I think that would be best, thank you, son." He said quietly, both boys could hear the pain in his voice. They knew very well that when his sons were hurting, Ben was there as a rock to stand on. Always ready to give support and help with the hurt, but this seemed beyond him, his hand was helpless in this situation. Adam had always been a difficult one when it came to emotions, he was a hard book to read. After Hoss had disappeared into the girls' room, Joe turned to his father to ask the question that had been on his mind ever since that dreadful night.

"What can we do for him, Pa? I feel helpless."

"You and me both, son." Ben said in defeat. "Adam has always been one to go on with life after a trial or heartache, it's his way of healing. But I'm afraid that he might not be strong enough to bear this alone which is going to be difficult for him to face. Not only that, he has two daughters who need him to be there for them, to help them cope and there way of dealing with the pain isn't going to be the same as his. I think he knows that and he isn't ready to face it yet." Ben finished more explaining it to himself than anyone else.

"Ann is just like him, Pa, except she has to talk about it. Whereas Adam just goes on, she needs him to talk with her and help her understand why it happened and what she is feeling." Little Joe said wishing there was more he could do. He hated feeling helpless, he had always looked up to his brother and his constant strength and calm state of mind. It was difficult to see him going through such a trial, it was hard to see him hurting so.

"I know and Katie has no problem expressing herself, just like Sarah." He paused feeling the weight of sadness that the name brought with it. "The next couple of weeks aren't going to be easy," He continued as Hoss came back down the stairs and joined them. "there are going to be a lot of adjustments for every one, especially Adam. All we can do is stand behind them, be there for them, and keep showing them how much we love them." His mind started to wander back to a similar time, except he was going through this very trial. He remembered the feeling of complete and utter loss, he remembered the emptiness, and the fear of how to go on. Then he remembered the healing, how it had started, how he had found the strength he had needed to move on. "Purpose." Was the first word that escaped his revelry, it got the boys attention.

"What?" Hoss asked.

"Purpose, when I lost Elizabeth she gave me a reason to move on, she made me promise to take our son and fulfill my dream of going west. When Inger died I had two sons to take care of and a journey to complete. When Marie died and I didn't think I could take it any longer, I found purpose in raising the three sons God had blessed me with, raising them in a way that would have made your mothers proud. Adam will have to find that purpose and the strength that only God can give him." Ben finished his heartfelt speech, leaving each one in the room with the primary goal of helping their loved one see his purpose.

* * *

Adam had made arrangements for Katie to stay with Mrs. Stevens at a neighboring ranch that wouldn't be to far out of the way from taking Emily to school. Ben had been right about the next couple of weeks being full of adjustments for each of them.

Little Joe continued to take Emily to school, dropping off Katie on the way. Hoss had volunteered pick the girls up and stay with them until the others arrived home. Ben had the tiresome job of trying to keep the tension level in the house at a minimal and helping with the girls in the evening, while having the constant burden of his son's condition weighing down on him.

Emily continued to go to school but wouldn't talk with anyone, her grades started to fail as she couldn't bring herself to pay attention and she was very thankful when they finally let out for summer break. Katie actually enjoyed spending time at Mrs. Stevens house and managed to stay out of to much trouble. But her outbursts, that usually came with the realization that her mother was gone, continued frequently with Emily being the only person who could calm her down. Adam grew more distant, burying himself in loads of work, he was gone before the family woke in the morning and worked till dark. To disconnect from the world around him seemed to be the only way he could find relief from the constant pain of knowing Sarah was gone.

As the weeks went by Ben noticed Emily was constantly on edge, she seemed angry at the world. Katie could go from excited and bubbly to distraught and uncontrollable tears in seconds, and Adam even when he was in the same room seemed miles away. Ben was worried and now that summer was upon them, Adam was going to have to make some decisions on what to do about the girls. He could only hope that reality could break down the barrier that Adam had built blocking out everyone including his own daughters.


	8. A time to heal

"Daddy?" A little voice called from the barn door. Adam, who had been brushing down his horse, looked up from his work. "Tomorrow is the last day of school." She took a step in cautiously.

"Mmmhhmm." He answered turning back to his horse. Emily stepped closer and took a deep, shaky breath.

"Mama always planned a picnic for the last day of school, can we go on a picnic? Please?" She looked at him with her big brown eyes and gave her best puppy dog look.

"I don't think so. Emmy I have to much work to do tomorrow." He explained seeing the disappointment on her face.

"That's all you ever do now." She pouted. "You never have time for me or Katie, you always made time for Mama." She crossed her arms and stared at him her bottom lip stuck out, he shot her a warning look.

"Have you finished your chores?" He changed the subject.

"Ya," She replied and without another word turned and walked out of the barn. Once in the house and after she had managed to control her temper, she found her grandpa. "Grandpa, can you take me and Katie on a picnic tomorrow?" She asked hopefully.

"I wish I could Emmy but the boys and I are gonna be in town on business tomorrow afternoon, we have some people who want to buy our lumber." Ben explained to a very disappointed little girl.

"Can you take me home?" She asked bluntly, the question took Ben off guard, it was the last thing he would have expected.

"Why?" He questioned.

"I just need to go and I know Daddy won't take me." She said but immediately regretted the last statement.

"You know I won't go against your father." Ben's brow furrowed but he still spoke gently.

"He didn't say I couldn't." She went on.

"Why don't you ask him and then if it's alright, I'll take you." That was the end of the argument, there was no way Emily was going to ask her father, so there was no way her Grandpa was going to take her.

"Uncle Joe." She hurried out of Ben's office at the sight of her uncle. "Will you take me home?" She asked quietly so that her grandpa wouldn't hear, unfortunately for her Ben had expected this and was standing in the door of his office.

"Emily." Came his stern voice, she stiffened at the sound and a tingle went down her back.

"Yes, sir." She said nervously as she turned to face him.

"Come here." She dropped her head and dragged her feet but complied. "I'm disappointed in you. I told you to ask your father and you disobeyed me. Look at me." He lifted her chin so her eyes would meet his. "I don't want that to happen again, understood?"

"Yes, sir." Was all she said dropping her eyes to the ground again.

"Go to your room." He motion towards her room and she slowly walked away past her uncle and up the stairs quietly shutting the door behind her. Little Joe looked from his father to the door she had just disappeared behind.

"Why does she want to go home?" He asked.

"I don't know, but Adam isn't ready to take her yet and we can't interfere here." He said and then went back to his work.

"Uncle Joe, me and Hop Sing are making cookies, come help." Katie call from the kitchen door. Joe had to chuckle at the sight of his niece, her dark hair was splashed with flour and dough all over her face and dress.

"Alright, I'm coming." He answered and headed to the kitchen. As he let the door shut behind him, Emily quietly came down the stairs, made her way to the door and out of the house. Once out, she ran to the barn and peeked in the door, there was no sign of her father. She made her way to her grandpa's young pony that she had ridden the day her mother had her first seizure. The horse was small enough for her to ride comfortably but to big for her to reach on her own, so she pulled a stool up to him and saddled him up.

After walking the horse out of the yard, she found a stump and stood on it giving her enough height to mount it. It was a short ride to her house, and it was still light when she got there. She wrapped the reins around the hitching post and slowly made her way into the house. It was a little spooky being there by herself in the evening but she was determined to find what she was looking for. She walked into the kitchen and saw the picnic basket sitting in its usual spot by the wash basin. She grabbed it and smiled, her mother loved picnics. She started to leave but instead walked towards her mother's room.

* * *

"Emily. Emily?" Ben looked around her empty room, and then quickly walked back down stairs. Adam was sitting near the fireplace reading and Joe had just came out of the kitchen a mouthful of cookies. "Have you seen Emily?" He questioned trying to keep the panic out of his voice. Joe shook his head and Adam looked up hearing the different tone in his voice.

"What's wrong, Pa?" Adam asked.

"Maybe nothing, I sent Emily to her room a little bit ago and when I went up to check on her she wasn't there. Joe will you check the barn?" He nodded to his son. As Joe left, Ben explained to Adam why Emily had gotten in trouble. Just as he finished, Joe came back into the house.

"She's not there, and neither is the pony." He said quickly walking over to join the others. Hoss came into the room carrying a laughing Katie upside down.

"Hoss, Joseph will you look down by the creek. I'll head towards the north pasture and Adam check your house and then head towards town." Ben finished eyeing his eldest son to see his reaction, he seemed reluctant but was the first to head out the door.

"Katie stay here with Hop Sing and be good." Hoss kissed her forehead and then headed out after the others. Adam was the first to ride out, when he was gone Ben motioned to the others to stay for a second.

"I have a pretty good idea that she went to the house, I don't think there is any need for the rest of us to go out on a wild goose chase." Ben said to his boys as he mounted his horse.

"So where are you going?" Hoss asked.

"I am just gonna follow to make sure he finds her." Ben said bringing his horse to a canter and quickly disappeared down the road. Hoss and little Joe decided to head back inside, no need for them to be out all night, or to leave poor Hop Sing with Katie.

* * *

Adam rode up to the house, and relief flooded him when he saw his father's pony standing out front. He dismounted and hurried into the house with one quick look around, he spotted their bedroom door slightly opened. As he walked closer, he could hear his daughters voice, he stopped at the door and listened.

"God, I don't really hate you, I just said it because I missed my Mama. I know you didn't take her from me, sometimes people say things when they are hurting that they don't mean. God, even though you can't bring my Mama back, can you bring my Daddy back to me, I miss him a whole lot. Amen." She finished her prayer, sitting on her mother's side of the bed holding a picture of their whole family. She turned suddenly when she heard the door open, her father was standing in the doorway. Emily didn't move, too afraid that she was in a load of trouble. Adam slowly walked over to the bed and sat down next to her. Both were silent for a moment, Adam took the picture from her hands and looked at the happy faces of his family.

"I promised your Mama that we would make it through this together, but I haven't really been there for ya, have I?" He set the picture down, folded his hands in his lap and looked at her. She didn't respond. "I'm sorry, Emmy. I haven't been much of a father to you or Katie lately."

"I love you, Daddy." Her voice cracked slightly, his heart melted because of the unconditional love she showed him.

"And I love you, my quiet girl." Adam pulled his daughter into his lap and began to sing softly. "I love a quiet girl, I love a gentle girl, warm as sunlight, soft, soft as snow. Her smile a tender smile," He lifted her chin and smiled at her. "her voice a velvet voice, sweet as music, soft, soft as snow. When she is near me, the worlds in repose," He cuddled her closer. "we need no words, she sees, she knows. But where is my quiet girl? Where is my gentle girl? Where is the special girl? Who is soft, soft as snow. Somewhere, somewhere, my quiet girl." Adam touched his nose to hers. "Here, here is my quiet girl." He pulled her into a warm embrace, both enjoying the comfort that the other provided.

* * *

Adam came in the door, carrying a sleeping Emily, he acknowledged the three men waiting up before taking her to bed. When he came back down he was met with a cup of coffee and three questioning looks. "I think I owe you each an apology, I have left the responsibility of my daughters on you for the last couple of weeks. Thank you for being willing, but from now on I will take care of my family." He sat down on the couch and sipped his coffee, it wasn't easy for him to admit he was wrong and he couldn't meet the gaze of his family.

"You are our family, remember older brother. We have the same responsibility to you." Hoss smiled at him.

"Adam, you realize tomorrow is the last day of school." Ben pointed out.

"Yes, I do. So I think for the girls' sake we all need to go for a picnic." Adam said with a smile. Ben chuckled enjoying the first sign of joy on his son's face since his wife passed away.

"A picnic? Adam, we have a lumber contract meeting tomorrow." Little Joe said exasperated, he liked seeing his brother happy again but was having a difficult time with the new spontaneous and irrational Adam that had come back that night.

"Well, Joseph, you can stay back and deal with some ol' lumber or come make a certain little girl's day with us." Ben laughed heartily. "Best get to bed boys, we have a busy day tomorrow." Hoss and little Joe just smiled and headed off to bed but Adam hung back waiting for his brothers to disappear into their room.

"I realized something tonight, Pa. I still have two little girls who need me more than anything right now, and I'm gonna do whatever it takes to help them through this and help them to grow into strong, capable young ladies that would make their mother proud." Adam said with conviction.

"I know you will, son, I know you will." Ben brought his son into a hug, thanking God that to everything there is a season, and now it was time to heal.


	9. Memories last forever

Adam sat on the wagon with one arm around Katie who was sitting on his knee and Emily next to him on the opposite side. Emily held the arm he was using to steer the team, and her Grandpa and two uncles were not far behind them on their horses. Emily was enjoying being close to her father and just plain excited that summer was finally here. She was daydreaming about all the things she wanted to do that summer when her father pulled the wagon to a stop in front of a very familiar pasture.

Adam looked down at Emily as she seemed to register where they were, she had a look of confusion on her face. "Daddy, why did we come here?" She questioned quietly.

"I wanted to show you something." He said simply. "After that we can leave if you want to." Emily didn't say anything, she just waited as her father climbed out of the wagon and helped both his girls down. He took each of their hands and walked out to the middle of the pasture and knelt down in front of a small bush. "Do you remember the last time we were here, what these bushes looked like?" He questioned both of them.

"They were pretty." Katie stated.

"They had Mama's favorite flowers on them, they were purple all of them." Emily added.

"Yes," Adam nodded trying to decide how to approach this.

"But now their gone." Katie went on unknowingly leading to her father's next point.

"They are, but they come back every year and when they are well taken care of they get more beautiful every time." Adam continued in a sad voice.

"Ya, but Mama's gone and she is never coming back." Emily said sounding upset, she thought she knew where her father was going with this little lesson. She started to leave but he caught her hand and held it firm but lovingly.

"Your right, but these flowers are kind of like our memories. I want us to be able to talk about your Mama with each other, to remember her. The memories we have of her are beautiful and when we share them with each other, the more we talk about her the easier it will get and we can always have those wonderful memories. Losing your mother was the hardest thing I have ever gone through, it hurt so much for me to remember her, I tried to forget. But in the process I pushed the people away that mean the most to me in the entire world, you and you." He pointed to both of them.

"But these flowers only come up once a year." Emily pointed out. Adam smiled and nodded, he guessed that she would have thought of that. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a dried purple flower.

"But memories can last forever." He handed her the flower, Emily threw her arms around Adam's neck and hugged him for a long time. He pulled Katie in close as well, and just held his daughters. "So what do you say we go have ourselves an end of the school year picnic?"

"Can we have it here, Daddy? I think Mama would have wanted it." Emily smiled at her father, Adam felt a weight lift off his shoulders and his heart begin to mend.

"Of course." Adam stood and carried Katie over to the wagon where they started to unfold the blanket. Emily took the picnic basket, carried it over to their blanket and started setting out the food. Adam stopped at the side of the wagon and watched her with a smile on his face.

"You know, Adam, were never gonna eat with you just standing around." Little Joe joked.

"I think she's got it taken care of." Adam pointed at his busy daughter. "She reminds me so much of Sarah." Joe could hear the pride in his voice but also the flicker of sadness.

"Sarah would be proud of the way you've handled those two. Your a good father Adam, the best." Little Joe smiled and left him to his thoughts. Hoss grabbed Katie away from the food that she was about to get into and set her on his shoulders. He bounced her around, she squealed and giggled, loving every second of it. Ben joined Emily to help serve everybody and Adam just watched swept away by his thoughts of Sarah.

"Food's ready." Emily called, enjoying the adult role she had taken. Every one piled in finding a clear corner of the blanket, Adam sat down next to Emily and squeezed her shoulder. After dinner, Adam and Ben watched the others play tag until they both got dragged into the game. Then came hide n seek, and after several rounds of that, Adam found Katie asleep in her hiding spot and decided it was time to go. Everyone was worn out by the time they got home, Adam and Joe carried the two sleeping girls into their room and put them to bed. Although it was still early for them to go to sleep, they each found their way to their beds rather quickly, and soon the house was silent.

* * *

Adam lay awake in his bed, staring at the ceiling. His mind was running on empty but running just the same. He had a dilemma, Mrs. Stevens had children of her own that were now out of school and she wouldn't be able to take care of the girls on top of her own. His father and brothers, like him, worked on the ranch from sun up till close to dinner time and Hop Sing made it clear he would not babysit. The only option at least for now seemed to be to take them with him, but how was he supposed to watch two young girls and run a ranch at the same time?

He smiled to himself remembering times after Katie was born where they weren't sure how to handle two little girls.

_Flashback_

"Mama, Mama." A three year old Emily called from the kitchen. "Maaammaaa!" Sarah had been relaxing on the couch while nursing Katie, Adam rose from his desk and hurried over to the kitchen.

"It's alright, Emmy." Adam quickly walked over to her and lifted her into his arms. The kitchen floor was covered in apple pie and so was Emily. "What happened?" Adam asked his frantic child.

"I want Mama!" She cried. Adam tried to calm her to no avail, then he noticed the blood on her hand. He quickly took her hand in his and pressed a towel up against it making her cry even harder. "Mama!" Sarah came in from the living room carrying Katie, when she saw Emily, she quickly handed Katie off to Adam and began to nurse her daughter's injured hand. A very unhappy Katie began to wail, Adam tried to hush her, but all she wanted was to be fed. Sarah and Adam looked between both daughters not knowing which to help, then in a split second Sarah made the decision for them.

"Emily, Mama doesn't know how to fix your hand. Sweety, can you let Daddy do it so that it will be all better." She touched Emily's cheek wiping the tears away. The little girl continued to cry quietly but allowed her father to take over.

_End of Flashback_

Adam chuckled at just one of the many memories he had of them struggling to balance their lives with two girls, but then they at least had each other. The emptiness returned, he tossed and turned for half an hour before he gave up on sleep. Adam rolled out of bed, slid into his pants and headed quietly out the door. In silence, he saddled up his old horse and friend, leading him out the barn door where he mounted and rode off into the night. The cool breeze of the rather warm summer night felt good and the night was lit by a full moon, but Adam could not shake the miserable feeling of loss that enveloped him.

Adam had no recollection of where he rode that night, letting Sport take him where ever the horse decided, his mind was filled with her but his heart was empty. At one point, his horse stopped by a stream for a drink. Adam slid out of the saddled and looked up at the night sky, speckled with glittering stars but so distant. "Why did you take her?" Adam said quietly and miserably. After Sarah had died, he decided there was no God, but the faith his father had instilled in him could not be pushed aside so easily, now he cried out to Him in anger. "I loved her, more than anything." He struggled to get the words out through his emotions, he beat his fists into a nearby tree releasing his anger. Leaning his head against the tree, he let the hot tears run freely. He had not cried since the night his wife died, determined to be strong, but now he let all the frustrations out. The helplessness, hurt, anger, confusion, and emptiness, emotions that had plagued him for weeks dissipated, and slowly he began to feel the comfort of his Heavenly Father. Adam knew that God understood his pain, but not only understood, He was there to take care of him through it all.

The next morning came to early for Adam, having been out till early that morning, he drug himself out of bed and downstairs for breakfast. Ben noticed his son's fatigue and offered. "Since it's the first day of summer, Adam why don't you do something special with the girls, we can take care of things for the day."

"Thanks Pa, but we did that yesterday, its time to get back to work." Adam said quietly, knowing what his father was up to.

"Alright, we need a couple things from town, would you be able to run in and grab them. You could take the girls to lunch at the new restaurant." Ben tried again.

"Hoss was going to town today, he can grab them. I am heading out to the cowboy's bunk house to check on a few hands and see how they are holding up, then I'll be up to help you in the north pasture." Adam explained as if there was nothing different in his plans than any other day. Ben knew how stubborn his son was and that there was no point to even argue, Adam would just have to learn on his own that he would not be able to do everything he used with the girls tagging along.

"Brother, I can take the girls to town with me, I'm sure they would enjoy that." Hoss decided to try.

"Listen, you two. I am capable of taking care of my daughters, I'm grateful for your help, but I can manage." Adam said in a defensive yet playful way, letting them know he was serious but understood their concern. They both simply nodded, as the two girls and little Joe came down the stairs. Katie ran down the stairs, nearly falling the last couple steps, and over to her father.

"Daddy, Emily doesn't have to go to school. So she can play with me all day." She giggled. Adam pulled his youngest onto his lap.

"Yes, and you both are going to spend the day with me." Adam smiled then got serious. "And you, young lady, need to stop running down those stairs, your gonna hurt yourself."

"Emily pushed me today when we were getting dressed." She said matter-of-factly as though she hadn't heard Adam.

"What did I just tell you?" He asked lifting her face to look at him.

"Not to run down the stairs." She said quietly looking at her feet.

"Go sit down." He said softly as he slid her off his lap. After breakfast, Adam sent both the girls to their room to change into their pants and he went out to get the horses ready. Ben followed him. "Do you mind if I take the Flash for Emily to ride, she seems to do pretty well on her." He asked remembering the night she rode off on her alone to their house. "I'm thinking about getting her a horse for her birthday, she'll need one soon." He said as an afterthought.

"Of course, you might think about giving her Flash, she does great with her." Ben said absentmindedly.

"What's wrong?" Adam asked knowing the look on his father's face well.

"Nothing. Do you really think that taking the girls with you is the best idea, Katie is only five." Ben finally stated his concern.

"She is almost six, I know it doesn't sound like the best idea but I don't have many other options right now. I'm doing the best I can, I'll watch them closely, you know that." Adam defended as he saddled the young filly. Ben backed off, this was not his decision to make. Emily came in the barn ahead of her sister, dressed in her short sleeve blue button up shirt and jean pants. Katie followed struggling to clip one of her overall's straps in place. Ben bent down and snapped it for her, pulling her dark curly hair back into a messy pony tail at the base of her neck. Without another word Adam lifted Emily onto Flash and swung up onto Sport, Ben handed him Katie who hung on around his waist. Adam turned to Emily. "Stay close to me and listen to what I tell you, this is no place to be messing around. Do exactly what I say, understood?" He said very seriously. Emily nodded nervously. "I want you to answer me." He added firmly wanting more than just a nod.

"Yes sir." Emily said quietly still unsure of her father's mood. Ben waved to them as they rode off, Adam leading the way. The cowboys that were still hanging around the bunkhouse got a kick out of seeing there boss trailed by two little girls everywhere he went, but were quickly shut up with one sharp look from the man they had all come to respect. Emily and Katie followed their father through the bunkhouses but after a little while they both grew impatient. Adam had stopped to check on one of the sick cowboys and told them to wait outside. Katie was the first to move. "Katie, Daddy said to sit here." Emily warned her sister.

"Look at that!" Katie pointed excitedly around the back of the bunkhouse and hurried off. Emily ran after her sister, curious to what she had seen. In the corral, stood a beautiful black stallion. Emily forgot her father's warning and joined her sister on the fence. Mesmerized by the magnificent horse that pranced around before them. Adam had come out of the bunkhouse to find the bench, where he had sat both of his girls, empty. He knew exactly where they had wandered off too. Adam came up behind the two girls who were to fascinated by the horse to notice him and landed a hard swat to each of their backsides. Surprised and afraid of getting more, they quickly jumped off the fence and turn to look at him keeping an arms length between them and him.

"You disobeyed me." Adam stated firmly, skipping the normal questioning and going straight to the point.

"We weren't gonna stay for long, just a bit, Daddy." Katie explained her hands still protecting her backside.

"You didn't tell us how long to stay on the bench, we stayed for a while and we were gonna come back." Emily picked up with her sister's excuse.

"Don't start Emily, I expect excuses like that from a five year old but you know better. You both know you were supposed to stay on that bench, I expect you both to listen to me for the rest of this trip, your walking a thin line right now." He stared at Emily as he spoke this last line, she was old enough to know better. Emily looked away, more angry than anything, it wasn't fair that she got in more trouble than Katie when they did the same thing. The anger was building inside her and threatened to spill over, but she had become an expert at keeping it to herself or so she thought. Adam saw the storm brewing in his eldest but decided to ignore it for the time being, he had a lot of work to accomplish and no time for a tantrum. Adam walked back to his horse and lifted Katie into the saddle before swinging up behind her. Emily stepped on a stool and mounted Flash, then followed her father to the north pasture.

"Hello," Ben called as the three climbed down from their horses. "How's it going?" He questioned truly wondering how Adam was managing with two young girls tagging along.

"Fine, Pa." Adam glanced behind him at his quiet daughters. "Emily, Katie, you can play over here but stay where you can see me at all times. Understood?" He asked again.

"Yes." The girls responded not looking up at him, Adam sighed and turned to follow his rather worried father.

"Rough morning?" He asked quietly as they walked away.

"How far have you gotten?" Adam decided to ignore the question knowing he was about to lose his own temper. Ben left it at that and the men went to work, checking up on the girls more often than necessary.

"Emmmiillllllyyyyy!" Came a loud cry from the direction of the girls near the end of the work day. Adam looked up to see his eldest sitting on top of a very distressed Katie.

"Emily get off of her right now." He hurried over, grabbing her off of her sister before she could respond. Adam pinched the bridge of his nose as he often did when he had enough. Ben had come over to help if needed but stayed back to allow Adam to be the father that they needed. "What is going on?" Adam asked staring only at Emily. She wouldn't look at him and just stood their with her arms crossed defiantly. "Emily." He warned.

"I want Mama!" She yelled and burst into tears. Adam softened, he knelt down on one knee and pulled her into his arms.

"Katie, what happened?" He asked more gently over the muffled crying coming from his chest.

"I wanted to play." She said simply as though that explained everything.

"Come on, let's go home." He said defeated, hoping they could work it all out before bed. He lifted Emily onto her horse taking the reins and the climbed up on Sport, letting Ben hand him Kates. "I'm sorry, Pa. I help make up the work tomorrow." He said quietly turning away before Ben could answer his son.

Back at home, Adam left Katie to help Hop Sing with dinner and took Emily up to her room. She ran over to her window and sat down on the window sill. Adam sighed, walked over and sat on her bed facing her. "Come here." Adam commanded firmly but quietly. Emily didn't move from her spot by the window. "Emily Anne Cartwright, do not ignore me, young lady." She flinched at the sound of her full name but then slowly walked over to stand just out of reach of her father. "Why are you angry at me?" Adam sighed. Emily looked away but her father gently touched her chin and turned her to face him.

"You were mad at me." She accused and looked down as tears came back to her eyes.

"I wasn't mad at you, Ems. You both disobeyed me and I got onto you, its dangerous to disobey me when I tell you to do something." Adam explained, trying to remember if he had seemed angry.

"You didn't get onto Katie!" She said pulling away from him as he reached for her. Adam's anger began to rise at her resistance so he took a second to calm himself before continuing.

"What do you mean?" He asked not following her logic.

"You yelled at me when I made an excuse but not Katie. She started it and didn't get in trouble. You yelled at me." She repeated. Adam ran a hand down his face, frustrated at himself for losing his temper with her.

"Your right, Ems. I lost my temper, I'm sorry." He said gently pulling her close in spite of her pushing away. "I got onto you more than Katie because your older and know better than to try an excuse like that. It was disobedience no matter how you look at it. I expect you to be an example to her." He tried explain as he wrapped his arms around her but still holding her at a distance so he could see her eyes while they talked.

"I don't want to be an example. Not if I get in more trouble." She pouted.

"Emily, your an example to your sister whether you like it or not because you are older. So, I expect you to be a good example because I know you can be. Now, tell me what happened in the pasture." He continued.

"I was mad because you yelled at me and not Katie, she wanted to play but I didn't want to play with her. She kept bugging me to play with her and she wouldn't go away. She kept running circles around me saying please, please, please." She copied in a high-pitched sing-songy voice. "I told her to stop but she wouldn't, I called for you but you were busy, so I sat on her and she stopped." Emily said, not being able to stop the smile the came to the corners of her mouth.

"You know that wasn't right of you to do?" He asked more as a statement.

"Ya, but she wasn't right either." Emily spat out, crossing her arms. Adam reached in front of her and pulled her arms down.

"I've had enough of your attitude, we are not talking about Katie, we are talking about you." He watched her closely to see if she was going to put up more of a fight or give in, thankfully she gave in.

"You didn't listen to me," She started to tear up again. "you were so busy, and when you yelled at me you wouldn't listen." She had started sobbing now and Adam held her against his chest until she calmed down.

"What did you want to tell me?" He asked when she was quiet but still held her close.

"Katie got up to play and she didn't listen to me when I told her to sit down. She ran off to see the horse, so I went to get her but when I saw the horse, I kinda forgot." She said pulling back to look at him.

"What should have you done when Katie disobeyed?" Adam coxed.

"I should've gotten you." She said sadly.

"Yes, then you wouldn't have gotten in trouble too." Adam wiped the tears from her cheeks and continued. "You miss your Mama, don't you?" He asked referring to what she had said at the pasture.

"I want to stay home, Mama played with us." She said sadly.

"I'm sorry that I don't have as much time to spend with you, things are going to be different now, and it's going to take time to get used to it. I'm going to start asking around town to try and find a place for you girls to stay during the day but until then I'm gonna have to take you with me. But maybe we can work together, you listen to me when I need you sit still and stay out of the way and I'll make sure to take time to spend with you and teach some of what we are working on. This is new for the both of us, and we both messed up today, lets start over fresh tomorrow." He kissed her forehead.

"Ok, Daddy. I'm sorry that I disobeyed you today and that I had a bad attitude." Emily hugged him.

"Your forgiven, but lets have no more of this attitude, understood?" He said seriously.

"Yes, Daddy." She answered not pulling away from him.

"Good."

* * *

"Doc Martin has to check on the hands, we might be in there a while. You can play up front but stay close, so that I can see you out the window. If your both good, I'll take you to look at the stallion when we're done." Adam told the girls before going inside. It didn't take long for them to get bored but they obeyed and sat on the porch drawing pictures in the dirt with a stick until their father came back out. "Come on." He smiled at them taking theirs hands and leading them around back.

"Isn't he beautiful, Daddy." Emily said as he lifted her onto the corral fence.

"Yes, you know flash is going to look just like him someday." Adam smiled as he held Katie up to see the horse.

"Is he Flash's daddy?" Asked Katie.

"Yes." He smiled down at her.

"Flash is gonna be smaller though, isn't he?" Emily asked concerned.

"Why do you think that?" He questioned.

"Because if he gets that big, I won't be able to ride him anymore and I like Flash." She explained.

"He might, we'll just have to wait and see." Adam chuckled. "Come on it's time to get going, we need to see if your grandpa needs some help. I think her could use three extra hands." Adam said as he started to walk away, Katie didn't follow, instead she stood there looking confused. "Katie, are you coming?"

"I want to help to." She said sadly.

"Of course, your going to help." Adam walked back to her and bent down in front of her.

"But you said three hands. If you use two then that only leaves one more and Emily is older than me, so she always gets to do everything." She said as her eyes filled with tears, Adam couldn't help but laugh.

"Kates, people who work on the ranch are called hands. There are three of us, so three hands. Emily, you, and me." He tried to explain.

"So I can help?" She questioned excitedly.

"Of course, now where did you learn count like that?" He questioned, impressed with his five-year old.

"Mama taught me." She said but her smile quickly faded at the thought.  
"You did a great job, Mama would be proud. Come on, let's go see Grandpa." Adam scooped her up, distracting her fast enough to avoid the tantrum, and they all headed to the field.

Emily ran up to her Grandfather and jumped into his arms. "We've come to help!" She squealed.

"Well, that's wonderful. I'm gonna need a couple of hard workers today." He smiled as Adam walked over with Katie.

"I brought you a crew, Pa. Figured they'd be mighty good at filling that hole." He chuckled.

"That's an awful big task for two little girls." He replied.

"We can do it, Grandpa." Emily confirmed.

"Alright, Come on and I'll show you what to do." Ben agreed having them follow him. He thought it was senseless knowing if he put his hired hands on it, that it could be done in an hour. These two could work on it all day and probably not make a dent. "See this hole?" He asked and waited for a nod, when he got one, he continued. "We need you to fill this hole with the dirt that is in the wagon over there." He pointed and waited for a response.

"Grandpa, why didn't you just dump the pile in the hole, instead of over there?" Emily questioned.

"Because the wagon wheel decided to break off just before they got it here." Ben sounded frustrated at the whole thing.

"Oh, how do we carry it?" She asked.

"Come on, we'll get you some buckets." Ben got the buckets and started the girls on their job before leaving them to find Adam. "You know that is going to take them forever." He nodded back at them.

"Maybe so, but at least it's getting done. That way we don't have to spare anymore hands to finish that job." Adam and Ben went to work, for hours they worked while the girls worked on their job. After a while, Katie had gotten bored, so Emily had made a race out the work. But when Katie kept losing they found a different game. Several games later, Katie was worn out and sat down on the dirt covered wagon, but Emily kept working.

"Come on, girls. It's time to go home." Adam called as he walked towards them. Katie sat in the pile of dirt in the wagon and had obviously been playing in it for a while, she was covered in dirt. Emily to was very dirty but was still carrying her bucket back and forth. "You both have done such a great job!" Adam smiled as he took the full bucket from Emily and carried it the rest of the way.

"Daddy, we are almost finished. Can we just have a little longer?" She pleaded looking back at the diminishing pile of dirt that her little sister still sat on.

"You have already done enough work for today, let's go home and have a big dinner." He smiled at her determination.  
"Please?" She continued with her best puppy dog eyes.

"Alright, let's see how fast we can get this finished." He sighed, after a hard days work the last thing he wanted was to haul dirt, but if his daughter could do it so could he. When Adam joined them, Katie got back up and starting helping, proud to be working along side her father. The other hands that had started to head home stopped to see what they were up to, Adam explained with a chuckle that his daughter wouldn't leave the task undone, and those hands found buckets of their own and began to help. Ben finished his work and went to leave when he noticed the large group of people over where his granddaughters had been working. He headed over just as they had finished with the last bucket of dirt that Emily poured in. The whole group of cowboys erupted in a cheer and lifted the two girls onto their shoulders. He smiled as he watched his granddaughters laugh and his son watching proud as peacock.

* * *

"Goodnight, girls." Adam smiled at them as he walked to the door. "You both did very well today, thank you for your help." He turned and shut the door behind him.

"Katie?" Emily whispered quietly.

"I'm sleeping." She answered her older sister.

"No, your not! Did you have fun today?" She asked.

"Ya, I like playing in the dirt." She giggled. "And when everybody cheered that was fun."

"Good," Emmy smiled to herself. "Goodnight, Kates." She hoped if they both enjoyed it, maybe her father wouldn't find someone else to take them.

"Night." Katie answered sleepily.

Downstairs Adam sat in the red chair facing his father, wanting to know his thoughts on how the day went. Ben volunteered them before his son could ask. "I'd say today was a success!" He chuckled remembering the smiles of the cowhands at the end of the work day.

"I don't know how long it will work out but for now it has to." Adam said seriously.

"Adam, if you need me to take the girls for a day, I can find them something to do with me. So that you can focus on your work that is, I know Hoss and Joe would be willing to help as well." Ben offered.

"Thanks Pa, but for now I think it would be best that the girls stay with me, until they learn the dangers and the necessity to do exactly what they are told." Adam was lost in thought knowing all the dangers that could befall his girls if they didn't listen, he would have to be stern with them, especially Katie.

"Well, there is a lot of work to do on the North pasture, so I can help you keep a close eye on them for the next couple of days." Ben said leaving no room for argument. Adam didn't bother, knowing his father's need to be of help, Adam detested that he really did need the help, but was thankful his father was understanding and didn't overstep his bounds. Joe joined the two in the living room as Ben dismissed himself to his bedroom, to read before turning in. Before Joe could say anything, the sound of little footsteps broke the silence. Adam looked up to see Katie carefully and quietly making her way down the stairs. He gave his daughter a stern look and in a soft yet firm voice asked. "Are you allowed to be out of bed, young lady?" She stopped a couple steps from him and her lower lip began to quiver.

"I need Mama." Katie said as tears made their way down her cheeks and a sob escaped. Adam reached out to her, and gently pulled her into his arms.

"Shhshhh, baby, it's ok." Adam comforted, while Joe watched somewhat uncomfortably. "Do you want to talk about her?" He asked, little Joe winced at the hurt in his older brother's voice, knowing the pain he was willing to suffer, to help his daughter.

"I miss Mama." Came the little girls cry.

"I know, I do too. Do you remember the time that you and your Mama made me a birthday cake?" He could help but chuckle at the memory. At a nod from Katie, he continued. "She let you make the whole thing all by yourself."

"Mama helped me." Came a much calmer correction from the little girl cradled in his lap.

"Yes, after you cooked it and put the frosting on it. It ended up all over you, now remind me how that happened." He smiled down at her.

"I carried it to you but I dropped it all over me." She said starting to smile. "I thought Mama was mad, but she laughed. Everyone laughed, and I had chocolate cake all down the front of me." She said giggling now.

"Yes, then she decided I needed to try my cake." Adam continued now with a sad look in his eye that only Joe noticed.

"She shoved it in your face." Katie squealed with delight. Adam smiled at her and held her silently for a little longer. "I love Mama."

"I know and so does your Mama." He whispered quietly. Katie slid off his lap.

"Mama didn't like me staying up late." She said explaining her actions. Adam smiled and pulled her into another hug, then sent her off with a kiss on her forehead. Adam watched her climb the stairs and disappear into her room, little Joe interrupted the silence.

"Adam?" He questioned at first, waiting for permission to go on, when his brother turned to him and nodded, her continued. "How are you holding up?" He asked not truly expecting Adam to share his true feelings. He knew Adam had rode off in the middle of the night a couple days ago and he was worried about him.

"I'm fine." He said simply.

"I know you better than that, Adam. But I won't push you, it wouldn't work anyway." Joe said, a little perturbed that his brother wouldn't confide in anyone. Joe stood and was about to leave Adam to himself when he was stopped by a familiar hand.

"I know you care, Joe, and I thank you for that. I'm not ready yet, I can't not now." Adam said weakly, feeling all the weight of his resent loss.

"That's alright, older brother, I'll be here when you are ready." Joe smiled and patted Adam's hand that still rested on his shoulder. As Joe disappeared up the stairs, Adam sat down his mind filling with the memories of her. Smiling at him, teasing him, playing with the girls, and cooking with their youngest on her hip and Emily holding onto her skirt. Memories filled him and for the moment it felt as though she was there with him again. Adam knew that things were starting to work out again and he was confidant that he had kept his promise to his wife. "I will take care of them, I will help them remember you." He promised again in a whisper. "I will never forget my quiet girl."

Note: Thank you all for such kind reviews, I have enjoyed reading all of them. I will gladly accept any criticism knowing that it will help me become a better writer. I hope you enjoyed my story, if you have any ideas for future stories, they would be appreciated and taken into consideration. To the comment about Adam chasing girls as much as little Joe, I agree with you there. That part of the story was from Adam's perspective, and we always tends to see ourselves better than we really are. Besides having little Joe as a brother would make anyone think they weren't girl crazy =) lol. Thanks again.


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